All The Tweets
- Jul 19, 2018, 7:47 PM
- Jul 25, 2018, 6:20 PM
Just read one article about bartenders using vodka for the "texture" and another about bartenders using stevia and I'm in a mood to get into a fistfight.
- Jul 25, 2018, 6:31 PM
- Jul 25, 2018, 6:37 PM
- Jul 28, 2018, 11:39 AM
I'm reading an old Jack Kirby comic, and there's a dude whose super power is his "Stone Hand," by which I mean he's a guy holding a brick.
- Aug 1, 2018, 2:36 PM
- Oct 8, 2018, 6:49 PM
- Oct 9, 2018, 5:48 PM
Gwen: "Don't call me bossy!! I prefer 'strong-minded.' Because my mom is strong-minded, and so is my sister."
- Oct 10, 2018, 9:10 AM
"All he ever wanted was a glass of grappa." https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/delawareonline/obituary.aspx?n=rick-stein&pid=190409566
- Oct 13, 2018, 10:13 AM
- Oct 16, 2018, 4:19 PM
- Oct 18, 2018, 7:25 PM
Gwen: "Maybe I can get Malala Yousafzai to join my Kindness Club! She changed the world, she would probably have all kinds of good tips!"
- Oct 20, 2018, 7:46 PM
- Oct 20, 2018, 7:46 PM
- Oct 21, 2018, 12:42 PM
- Oct 27, 2018, 3:48 PM
- Oct 27, 2018, 3:50 PM
There is a dude on this bus wearing Timbos with gaiters, and an eyepatch, and it is, word to God, the coolest thing I have ever seen.
- Oct 30, 2018, 7:27 PM
- Nov 1, 2018, 12:12 PM
- Nov 1, 2018, 6:43 PM
- Dec 1, 2018, 4:42 PM
I can confirm that I am queen of teen internet. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/28/style/the-best-astrological-sign-of-all.html
- May 26, 2019, 5:28 PM
- May 29, 2019, 9:13 PM
- May 31, 2019, 5:23 PM
- Jun 13, 2019, 8:53 PM
That feeling when you have to explain both âcodpiecesâ and âJack Chick tractsâ to your kid during a single bedtime.
- Jun 14, 2019, 7:08 PM
- Jun 30, 2019, 6:05 PM
- Jul 2, 2019, 9:25 PM
Welcome to 2019, where âpre-movie erotic ASMR low-carb beer commercialâ is a phrase that describes a real thing.
- Jul 17, 2019, 5:08 PM
- Dec 27, 2020, 4:42 PM(5 mentions)
- Dec 27, 2020, 7:17 PM
- Dec 27, 2020, 11:21 PM
- Dec 28, 2020, 12:06 AM
Testing in production is always the best policy. Plus it bores your friends, who probably have been too excited lately. Itâs good for them.
- Dec 28, 2020, 12:20 AM
- Dec 28, 2020, 12:35 AM(1 mention)
- Dec 28, 2020, 8:22 PM
- Dec 28, 2020, 8:22 PM
- Dec 30, 2020, 1:09 PM(40 mentions)
I switched from Gmail to Fastmail a few weeks ago, and Iâm shocked by how much better it is. My email is actually useful again.
- Dec 30, 2020, 10:27 PM
- Jan 1, 2021, 12:06 AM
- Jan 1, 2021, 1:40 AM(1 mention)
- Jan 1, 2021, 8:34 PM
Everyone knows that hindsight is 2020. What this tweet presupposes is: maybe Mad Dog is 2020 instead?
- Jan 1, 2021, 8:40 PM(4 mentions)
The kitten likes to take a dump while Iâm scooping the litter box, looking up at me like âchallenge...accepted.â
- Jan 6, 2021, 7:17 PM(13 mentions)
- Jan 6, 2021, 7:54 PM(7 mentions)
- Jan 7, 2021, 12:59 AM
- Jan 7, 2021, 11:35 PM(12 mentions)
A new year is a great time to adopt new healthy habits! Like, if youâre going to name check George Orwell, maybe go read literally one Goddamned paragraph of the Wikipedia article about him first,
- Jan 8, 2021, 5:34 PM(3 mentions)
- Jan 8, 2021, 8:34 PM(2 mentions)
- Jan 9, 2021, 12:56 AM(22 mentions)
Iâm sad that @Simple is closing down, but I will always have my Memories of those TRIPS TO PORTLAND Over The Years.
- Jan 10, 2021, 8:37 PM(17 mentions)
Gwen: [walks in sobbing]
Me: whatâs wrong
G: I saw the Xmas tree on the curb
M:
G: I just took it for granted
M:
G: I wish Cmas didnât have to end
M:
G: I wish the tree didnât have to die
M:
G: I hugged it - Jan 14, 2021, 6:25 PM
Gwen: we talked today in class about how it makes you feel bad when you ask why you have to do something, and somebody says âbecause I said soâ
Me: yeah, that feels bad
Gwen: I was the only one in class who had never been told that before
Me: â€ïžđâ€ïž
- Jan 15, 2021, 1:16 AM(2 mentions)
âThe Wellermanâ is a beautiful, traditional song about a group of dudes spending eternity trying to murder an endangered whale, while some other dude drops by periodically to bring them refreshments.
- Jan 15, 2021, 8:11 PM(12 mentions)
- Jan 16, 2021, 8:32 PM(5 mentions)
- Jan 16, 2021, 8:57 PM
- Jan 19, 2021, 9:01 PM(2 mentions)
- Jan 20, 2021, 8:43 PM(10 mentions)
You havenât lived until youâve watched Gwen put on a 45 minute unscripted puppet show about cats evaluating different brands of cat beds, while a crazed kitten repeatedly tries to tear down the stage.
- Jan 22, 2021, 10:06 PM(15 mentions)
- Jan 29, 2021, 10:54 PM(15 mentions)
- Jan 29, 2021, 11:35 PM(3 mentions)
- Feb 9, 2021, 10:10 PM(2 mentions)
- Feb 13, 2021, 8:10 PM(4 mentions)
- Feb 19, 2021, 9:32 PM(9 mentions)
- Feb 20, 2021, 10:15 PM(3 mentions)
- Mar 2, 2021, 11:24 PM(6 mentions)
Parenting challenge, hard mode: the cat has gotten wise and hidden under the childâs bed so you canât give her her meds. Extract the cat while not waking up the child.
- Mar 5, 2021, 6:29 PM(31 mentions)
Gwen: will you play a game with me
Me: I just stopped working and Iâm really tiredâ
G: would you like me to make you some cinnamon toast?
Me: ...YES - Mar 7, 2021, 1:22 PM(1 mention)
- Mar 7, 2021, 4:43 PM(1 mention)
Itâs important to follow up your strength training sessions with a cool down activity, like assembling furniture for two hours while a kitten tries to bite you.
- Mar 10, 2021, 6:26 PM(1 mention)
Every time I see this photo I think âThis asshole is driving way too fast in my old neighborhood.â
- Mar 10, 2021, 7:48 PM(7 mentions)
- Mar 12, 2021, 8:13 PM(1 mention)
Amazon should feel profoundly embarrassed about this. https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2021/03/10/amazon-library-ebook-monopoly/
- Mar 14, 2021, 12:49 AM(2 mentions)
- Mar 14, 2021, 3:04 AM(5 mentions)
Itâs the classic story; you try to get them to crack open the Chomsky, but all they want to read is comic books.
- Mar 14, 2021, 5:20 PM(38 mentions)
- Mar 14, 2021, 10:43 PM(3 mentions)
- Mar 14, 2021, 11:34 PM(25 mentions)
I wondered what the last photo I took in Portland was, before the pandemic happened and I quit my Portland job, and it is Appropriate.
- Mar 20, 2021, 7:06 PM(11 mentions)
- Mar 20, 2021, 8:03 PM(11 mentions)
- Mar 25, 2021, 6:03 PM(4 mentions)
- Mar 29, 2021, 7:52 PM(7 mentions)
Gwen: sometimes I pretend Iâm a person who has the code name Midnight Fire
Elspeth: thatâs a really good code name
G: thanks - Mar 31, 2021, 7:05 PM(1 mention)
- Apr 9, 2021, 10:26 AM(23 mentions)
In challenging times, rituals can sustain us. I urge you to make the time to celebrate this beloved holiday with the traditional foods, dances, and solemn contemplation.
- Apr 11, 2021, 8:54 PM(8 mentions)
- Apr 22, 2021, 9:56 AM(3 mentions)
I canât get through this article because I keep thinking âWhat kind of monster would ever serve a Manhattan on the rocks.â https://blog.twitter.com/engineering/en_us/topics/infrastructure/2021/adopting-rocksdb-within-manhattan.html
- Apr 25, 2021, 2:33 PM(5 mentions)
Gwen never used to want to play D&D, because sheâs very upset by even pretend violence.
Then she came up with the idea that monsters donât get killed, they just âgo to a different dimensionâ and now she says things like âI am going to fry that goblin with a Fire Bolt.â
- Apr 26, 2021, 1:43 AM(20 mentions)
[we are playing D&D for the first time]
Me: ok this magic item was made by the duergarâ
Gwen: the duergar?! Those are the grey dwarves! Theyâre terrible, they were slave traders in the Underdark!
Me:
G: I read through the Playerâs Handbook twice - Apr 26, 2021, 11:48 AM(10 mentions)
As you know, here at evanstoner.com the whole team is passionate about the quality of the reading experience for you, our valued customer.
Starting today, you will no longer see those dangly links in my tweets, and my indieweb crap will just work invisibly.
- Apr 27, 2021, 10:26 PM(18 mentions)
[kids are with my parents, the conversation turns to racism]
Gwen (3rd grader): racists are assholes
Elspeth (8th grader): Gwen! you arenât allowed to swear until youâre in 8th grade
G: sorry
E: you can think swears in your head in 5th grade
Grandparents: [shaking] - Apr 27, 2021, 10:30 PM
- Apr 28, 2021, 1:43 PM(12 mentions)
Looking forward to trying out this âwalking around outsideâ thing Iâve been hearing more and more about.
- Apr 30, 2021, 1:42 PM(28 mentions)
- May 2, 2021, 12:17 AM(9 mentions)
Gwen: can I make [Evanâs weird inauthentic mi goreng recipe] for lunch for you and me? I memorized it from watching you
Me: uh that would be amazing
[later. the mi goreng is delicious]
G: I should make our lunch every Saturday
Me:
- May 9, 2021, 6:19 PM(2 mentions)
- May 11, 2021, 2:53 PM(14 mentions)
[Gwen is muttering at the table by herself]
Me: are you making up a story
G: no, not exactly. Iâm pretending these peanut butter crackers are in a game show where the two with the most peanut butter go to the final round. Also Iâm making up ads for the commercial breaks
- May 15, 2021, 7:02 PM(13 mentions)
Gwen [reading aloud]: qwertyuiop
Me: you know, that keyboard layout is caâ
Gwen: this keyboard was invented 140 years ago and was designed to reduce typewriter jams. Let me draw for you what a jammed key looks like
Me:
- May 17, 2021, 10:01 AM
Iâm truly impressed with how hard it is to understand the following headline: âFirst White Magic Keyboard for iPad Pro Unboxing Surfaces Online.â
There are six potential nouns in there, and the actual subject is a gerund. Plus itâs all in title case, so capitalization will not help you.
- May 22, 2021, 5:57 PM(9 mentions)
If I donât see the green fairy within 48 hours of this Moderna dose I am going to be so disappointed.
- May 25, 2021, 6:44 PM(3 mentions)
Kansas: đ¶âŠnothing lasts forever but the earth and skyâđ¶
[record scratch]
Geologist narrator: well actually, - Jun 13, 2021, 5:26 PM
- Jun 23, 2021, 7:04 PM(10 mentions)
The best thing about the âAlanis Morissette doesnât know what ironic means, ha haâ critique:
It implies that the song would be better if it was called âVarious Pains in the Assâ or âHereâs Some Stuff That Sucks.â
- Jun 27, 2021, 11:46 PM(10 mentions)
- Jun 30, 2021, 12:02 PM(10 mentions)
I am now receiving emails for Evan Stober, who I imagine is identical to me in every way, except typing competency.
- Jul 8, 2021, 6:25 PM
- Sep 7, 2021, 6:32 PM(13 mentions)
- Sep 14, 2021, 8:14 PM(6 mentions)
Gwen: have I told you about the Kindness Pearl
Me: âŠno
G: itâs in most of my books
M:
G: it lives inside of the Kindness Clam
M:
G: and if itâs in good hands thatâs great, but bad people try to steal it
M: so this is the Infinity Stones in the Gwen Cinematic Universe
G: yep - Sep 17, 2021, 12:08 AM(2 mentions)
Ten points to whoever first successfully identifies my favorite element of the Beard episode of Ted Lasso.
- Sep 17, 2021, 12:42 PM(2 mentions)
- Sep 23, 2021, 11:21 PM
I have no idea how they pulled off that episode of Ted Lasso. They need to go back and find a way to give Hannah Waddingham a second Emmy.
- Sep 28, 2021, 1:24 AM(7 mentions)
those are slices of jello shot cake
that were handed to us by people we didnât know
at a longshoremanâs bar
and I probably should not have eaten them
but nonetheless here we are
- Oct 15, 2021, 8:20 PM(13 mentions)
Gwen: this is weird but I want you to do something
Me: what
Gwen: jump
Me: [jumps]
Gwen: Iâve never seen you do that before
Me: was it basically like you expected
Gwen: I donât know what I was expecting
- Oct 16, 2021, 12:05 PM(6 mentions)
Baby spider, next to a cupcake crumb on our cutting board. Taken with the new iPhone macro lens; the spiderâs body is less than 1mm long.
- Oct 22, 2021, 8:22 PM(5 mentions)
- Oct 25, 2021, 12:43 AM(1 mention)
- Oct 30, 2021, 5:03 PM(4 mentions)
- Oct 31, 2021, 6:18 PM(19 mentions)
- Oct 31, 2021, 7:47 PM(14 mentions)
- Oct 31, 2021, 8:04 PM(16 mentions)
Iâm glad to see that, after all these years, thereâs still always one single house that gives out Idaho Spuds.
- Nov 5, 2021, 10:56 AM(5 mentions)
- Nov 7, 2021, 3:55 PM(46 mentions)
- Nov 9, 2021, 3:38 PM(3 mentions)
Got my whole family moved from AT&T to Verizon, after many many years as a customer. I feel better about where my money is going.
Also my voicemail works now.
- Nov 11, 2021, 9:00 PM(3 mentions)
In further evidence of the War on the War on Christmas, the Christmas Ships will not be coming to my neighborhood this year, so you will be spared the traditional invective and harangues with which I welcome the season.
- Nov 12, 2021, 4:09 PM(7 mentions)
- Nov 21, 2021, 3:24 PM(8 mentions)
- Nov 23, 2021, 11:12 PM(1 mention)
- Dec 9, 2021, 10:20 PM(6 mentions)
Current Gwen status: sobbing that she has doubts whether Santa Claus is real, and thinks maybe there isnât magic in the world đ đ đ
- Dec 12, 2021, 1:51 PM(20 mentions)
- Dec 15, 2021, 9:47 PM(4 mentions)
- Dec 15, 2021, 10:48 PM
Fifteen years ago today:
- The power went out for three days
- We found out Laurel was pregnant with Elspeth
- Ten minutes later we got in a literal car chase where I had to hand Laurel my phone and tell her to call 911
- Dec 16, 2021, 8:10 AM(10 mentions)
- Dec 17, 2021, 10:10 AM(8 mentions)
Gwen: I was reading the Players Handbook last night
Me:
G: I found out that my halfling can ride on a mastiff
M:
G: they only cost 25 gold pieces
M:
G: can we leave the dungeon for a minute so we can get more rations
M: âŠand a mastiff
G: yes - Dec 18, 2021, 2:45 PM(3 mentions)
- Dec 29, 2021, 7:38 PM(22 mentions)
Gwen: in this game I just adopted a dog named Mr. Worldwide but I donât know what kind it is
Me: âŠis it a pitbull
G: yes, how did you know that
- Jan 1, 2022, 1:52 PM(1 mention)
I am now willing to recognize one other acceptable Christmas song beside Christmas in Hollis. https://youtu.be/jxtK2757mz4
- Jan 6, 2022, 1:25 AM(3 mentions)
- Jan 9, 2022, 7:55 PM(35 mentions)
- Jan 11, 2022, 12:42 PM(5 mentions)
This is the first time Iâve seen somebody in person, and then they end up on my money. https://www.usmint.gov/news/press-releases/united-states-mint-begins-shipping-first-american-women-quarters-program-coins
- Jan 12, 2022, 2:37 PM(10 mentions)
- Jan 13, 2022, 9:56 PM(52 mentions)
- Jan 15, 2022, 1:30 PM(35 mentions)
- Jan 16, 2022, 8:05 PM(5 mentions)
âPlay a song for you? Sure, this one is called âWhat Kind of Dumbass Likes Solo Tambourine Music.â Assholeâ
âMr. Tambourine Man, probably - Jan 17, 2022, 9:31 PM(1 mention)
The weirdest thing about Mothra vs. Godzilla (1964) is that a character can use a phrase like âthe Mothra twinsâ and thatâs not actually specific enough for you to know who theyâre talking about.
- Jan 19, 2022, 6:23 PM(13 mentions)
I never, ever, in my entire life, thought this story would be brought to the screen. Holy shit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpgAhTP6ElA
- Jan 22, 2022, 7:31 PM(1 mention)
I am apparently now the kind of person who owns two kinds of kĂŒmmel at the same time. /cc @abandonedbranch
- Jan 25, 2022, 10:09 AM(19 mentions)
my favorite thing about the term âraw sewageâ is that it implies the existence of âsewage al denteâ
- Jan 28, 2022, 6:42 PM(49 mentions)
Apologies, but I have to do a parent brag: my eldest heir just got 100% on her semester final project on the history of non-binary pronouns
- Feb 6, 2022, 6:38 PM(6 mentions)
[family birthday dinner, weâve just finished eating and are about to have dessert]
Gwen: Grammy can you tell us your scat story
- Feb 9, 2022, 7:42 PM(2 mentions)
- Feb 9, 2022, 8:47 PM(5 mentions)
But her emails? https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/09/us/politics/national-archives-trump-classified-material.html
- Feb 10, 2022, 1:11 PM(6 mentions)
âKUOW is bricking car entertainment systemsâ is a 100% incorrect headline. âMazda entertainment systems can brick if you listen to the radioâ is accurate.
- Feb 18, 2022, 8:53 PM(8 mentions)
tired: glad I went to college before camera phones
wired: glad I was a college radio DJ before they had cameras in the booth
https://thecarletonian.com/2022/02/04/krlx-renovations/
- Mar 1, 2022, 9:57 PM(38 mentions)
Itâs surprisingly difficult to ask a search engine what types of non-bread loaves there are. For example:
Meat.
Olive.
Cheese.What loaves am I forgetting?
- Mar 7, 2022, 8:09 PM(3 mentions)
Ukrainian logistics are reallyâŠsomething else. https://twitter.com/AVindman/status/1500937699737362439
- Mar 16, 2022, 7:41 PM(6 mentions)
- Mar 21, 2022, 10:10 PM(1 mention)
What the hell? This thing was meant to be 2 B-52âs in a trenchcoat. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conroy_Virtus
- Apr 9, 2022, 9:44 AM(38 mentions)
Iâm sure I donât need to remind anyone of this, but itâs Evan Stoner Day. Please feel free to mark the occasion with the rituals and customs traditional in your culture.
- Apr 15, 2022, 6:52 PM(11 mentions)
- Apr 17, 2022, 10:40 AM(6 mentions)
- Apr 21, 2022, 9:51 PM(12 mentions)
Elspeth: Today in world history class my teacher was like âanybody know what Japanese movie Star Wars is based onâ
Me: [waits for it]
Elspeth: And I was like âHIDDEN FORTRESSâ
Me: [basks in the state of ultimate triumph]
- Apr 25, 2022, 12:33 PM(7 mentions)
I think Muskâs prime motivation is in taking it private. Heâs run afoul of the SEC so many times for saying zany shit while running a public company; this is a lifestyle upgrade for him.
Itâs possible that if he canât take Tesla private, he steps back from running Tesla.
- Apr 26, 2022, 9:11 PM(1 mention)
I was today years old when I realized they snuck the original android Human Torch into the first Captain America movie.
- Apr 27, 2022, 2:56 PM(4 mentions)
- Apr 29, 2022, 8:22 PM(3 mentions)
[kids are at the piano, each banging out small melodies at the same time]
elspeth: wait play that again
gwen: [plays it again]
e: oh my god are you rick rolling me
g: yes - May 12, 2022, 2:59 PM(35 mentions)
- May 24, 2022, 8:25 PM(8 mentions)
- May 27, 2022, 8:09 PM
- Jun 15, 2022, 4:31 PM(27 mentions)
People often complain that Slack discussions are hard to follow. I wonder how much of it is due to the fact that we use sloppy English in Slack: sparse capitalization and punctuation, verbal grammar, etc. Itâs just physically hard to read.
- Jun 19, 2022, 5:42 PM(15 mentions)
- Jun 22, 2022, 1:40 PM(1 mention)
- Jun 26, 2022, 3:47 PM(3 mentions)
I donât really get why everybody is so excited about NewProfilePic? It seems like another massive private harvest of biometrics for very little returned value.
- Jul 6, 2022, 7:47 PM(13 mentions)
Parenting pro tip: when you need to tell your 10-year-old that the beloved local punk rock burger joint, where sheâs had 95% of her lifetime burgers, is closing down because their landlord is a sack of shit, get a teensy bit drunk first.
- Jul 8, 2022, 8:41 PM(7 mentions)
- Jul 9, 2022, 7:16 PM(1 mention)
- Jul 11, 2022, 10:34 PM(6 mentions)
- Aug 8, 2022, 7:52 PM(4 mentions)
- Aug 11, 2022, 8:35 PM(1 mention)
âBack in 1985, John Norton answered the question that no one had asked.â http://bigchickenhotrods.com/barstool-racers
- Aug 20, 2022, 7:05 PM(5 mentions)
Gwen [playing Mario Kart and muttering]: I ainât goin out like that
Me: âŠwhere did you learn that phrase
G: đ€·ââïž - Aug 24, 2022, 7:56 PM(1 mention)
- Aug 26, 2022, 7:41 PM(2 mentions)
- Aug 31, 2022, 7:15 PM(31 mentions)
- Sep 8, 2022, 1:13 AM(1 mention)
- Sep 8, 2022, 8:24 PM(2 mentions)
Remember, remember! The 8th of September, when people on Twitter were rude; I know of no reason why the rudeness on Twitter should ever be eschewed.
- Sep 8, 2022, 10:18 PM(2 mentions)
- Sep 11, 2022, 12:47 AM(4 mentions)
- Sep 11, 2022, 7:09 PM(5 mentions)
The phrase âwelfare queenâ hits different when you realize that the government doled out ÂŁ100 million every year to the literal Queen.
- Sep 15, 2022, 9:38 PM(2 mentions)
- Sep 17, 2022, 6:47 PM(9 mentions)
My mom: Saw two crows kill a rat the other day.
Me: did they eat it? Or just kill it?
Mom: they ate part of it.
Gwen, cheerfully: Rats are full of nutrients! - Sep 17, 2022, 11:32 PM(5 mentions)
- Sep 25, 2022, 12:31 PM(13 mentions)
Had to take the cat to urgent care, ended up in the strip mall by where I grew up. Currently composing a mournful country song about how the Petco is now a Pet Pros and the Shariâs is now a Wendyâs.
- Sep 27, 2022, 10:59 AM(6 mentions)
Travel tip: you can learn a lot about a cityâs âvibeâ by visiting the historic queer neighborhood, of the airport
- Oct 2, 2022, 12:00 AM(4 mentions)
- Oct 26, 2022, 10:11 PM(3 mentions)
People on Twitter are currently making Ye/Crocs jokes at a steady rate of 7 per hour. I am monitoring the situation as it develops.
- Nov 5, 2022, 5:02 PM(8 mentions)
- Nov 6, 2022, 6:51 PM(1 mention)
Gwen started a video game that asked her to type in a name for her character.
Fifteen minutes later I realized she picked âGalaxy Everheart.â
- Nov 6, 2022, 7:16 PM(6 mentions)
The curse of the social media integration engineer is that you can only test in production, so youâve got to come up with interesting things to say, over and over again, until your code works. And then hope you still have friends
- Nov 6, 2022, 7:29 PM(4 mentions)
Best part of trick or treating this year was the kids yelling âItâs Subwoolfer!! Awesome!!!â and running up to this house.
- Nov 10, 2022, 11:31 PM(36 mentions)
When I read that the dude wants to turn Twitter into a bank, I discovered that I did not have enough laughter for the comedy at hand. It was like trying to drink the ocean. Like schadenfreude had given way to an out of body experience. Like bad ideas distilled into mescaline.
- Nov 14, 2022, 11:17 AM(11 mentions)
- Nov 14, 2022, 11:10 PM
- Nov 17, 2022, 1:46 PM(11 mentions)
The dude apparently wants to compensate exceptional performance with exceptional amounts of stock, butâŠhe just took it private? đ€đ€đ€đ€
- Nov 17, 2022, 8:35 PM(3 mentions)
- Nov 17, 2022, 9:15 PM(4 mentions)
- Nov 17, 2022, 9:48 PM(2 mentions)
- Nov 18, 2022, 6:30 PM
Of course, during these troubled times on the hellsite, my old nemesis sees an opening to strike. https://westseattleblog.com/2022/11/from-the-wsb-holiday-guide-1-week-until-christmas-ship-arrives-in-west-seattle-waters/
- Nov 19, 2022, 2:41 PM
- Nov 20, 2022, 3:21 PM(5 mentions)
- Nov 21, 2022, 4:54 PM(2 mentions)
With every new platform comes special kinds of awkwardness; today on Mastodon a long-dead colleague followed me, because I migrated to a different instance.
- Nov 21, 2022, 8:29 PM(1 mention)
- Nov 27, 2022, 8:05 PM(3 mentions)
- Dec 10, 2022, 12:34 PM(1 mention)
- Dec 10, 2022, 11:23 PM(7 mentions)
- Dec 19, 2022, 3:22 AM(12 mentions)
- Dec 19, 2022, 3:01 PM(15 mentions)
- Jan 1, 2023, 3:02 PM(13 mentions)
- Jan 1, 2023, 7:34 PM(10 mentions)
I finally got webmentions for my site working for Mastodon this afternoon.
(Please read this toot the same way that Crow T. Robot says âMade my own blender mayonnaise last night.â)
- Jan 6, 2023, 11:43 PM(5 mentions)
- Jan 7, 2023, 2:28 PM(17 mentions)
The Verge is out here live-blogging a web page error, for all their digital native readers who have never seen such a thing before.
- Jan 11, 2023, 9:32 PM(36 mentions)
The problem with naming your company this, is that when you do a layoff, it sounds like the reporter is doing jokey Shakespeare voice at a really inappropriate time. Forsooth!
- Jan 15, 2023, 1:05 AM(2 mentions)
- Jan 20, 2023, 7:36 PM(1 mention)
- Feb 9, 2023, 9:50 PM(7 mentions)
- Feb 10, 2023, 7:54 PM(17 mentions)
- Feb 12, 2023, 1:24 PM(1 mention)
- Feb 12, 2023, 1:26 PM(1 mention)
- Feb 14, 2023, 7:15 PM(2 mentions)
- Feb 16, 2023, 10:34 PM
I simply donât understand why Quantumania is getting savaged in the media. I thought it was a fantastic movie.
- Feb 16, 2023, 11:40 PM(2 mentions)
One of the most underrated elements of MCU movies is the pitch-perfect, organic way they weave music into the films. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0oeY1KMY9U
- Feb 21, 2023, 6:24 PM(1 mention)
The cool thing about California Adventure is that itâs like Northern California is in Southern California.
Itâs one-stop California.
- Mar 12, 2023, 5:30 PM(1 mention)
- Mar 12, 2023, 10:22 PM(90 mentions)
So Ke Huy Quan, when heâs 12, plays Harrison Fordâs sidekick in Temple of Doom. By the time heâs 21, he gives up on acting because he canât get cast.
When heâs fifty-one, he goes up on stage to get the Best Picture OscarâŠfrom Harrison Ford.
- Apr 9, 2023, 10:55 AM(11 mentions)
Iâve heard it said that today is a holier day than even Christmas, to which I can only say: I am humbled by your appreciation.
Happy Evan Stoner Day 2023.
- Apr 23, 2023, 9:11 PM(5 mentions)
- Apr 27, 2023, 5:09 PM(6 mentions)
Seattle Public Libraries are a treasure. https://www.spl.org/programs-and-services/teens/books-unbanned
- May 29, 2023, 11:22 AM(15 mentions)
We say âyesterdayâ and âlast night,â but âyesternightâ and âlast dayâ sound completely wrong. đ€
- Jun 6, 2023, 10:07 AM
This is absolutely bonkers. Wow. https://www.washingtonpost.com/science/2023/06/06/drill-earth-mantle-rocks/
- Jun 18, 2023, 12:39 PM
- Jul 1, 2023, 8:52 PM
- Aug 8, 2023, 8:52 PM
When I got into cooking, I really wanted to learn the family gumbo recipe, which Grandma served once each summer. She was from Kansas, but her mom had grown up in New Orleans.
I went over to her house one June afternoon, excited to bond with Grandma and pass down a tradition. Sheâd bought a pile of shrimp, which I started studiously deveining.
Then she opened The Joy of Cooking and said âit says to make a roux, but thatâs too much work, so I always skip it.â
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/secret-family-recipes-copied
- Nov 17, 2023, 3:53 PM(5 mentions)
- Nov 19, 2023, 9:04 PM(1 mention)
In 1969 there were a lot of cool people alive, and Robert Plant was one of the coolest. And he wrote a song about how Gollum stole his girl. I think about this all the time.
- Nov 21, 2023, 8:25 PM
- Nov 29, 2023, 12:56 AM(1 mention)
I watched Pacific Rim with my older daughter tonight, and while the credits were rolling she said ânext they should make Pacific Rim 2: Atlantic Boogaloo.â
- Nov 30, 2023, 1:02 PM(1 mention)
- Dec 15, 2023, 9:50 PM(8 mentions)
Gwen: Mason at school said the live action Grinch is better than the old animated Grinch and I said he was wrong because the old one is what I love from my childhood
Me: well different people have different traditions, letâs respect that
Gwen: and he said I had bad parents for giving me a bad childhood
Me: you tell Mason your dad is going to beat his ass - Dec 18, 2023, 6:40 PM(2 mentions)
- Dec 21, 2023, 11:54 AM(1 mention)
- Jan 1, 2024, 12:05 AM(4 mentions)
- Jan 1, 2024, 2:19 AM
Iâm up late working on my edgy reboot of Steamboat Willie, âChainsaw Willie.â Gotta strike while the iron is hot.
- Jan 18, 2024, 8:28 PM(2 mentions)
- Jan 18, 2024, 11:04 PM(4 mentions)
- Jan 21, 2024, 11:18 PM(2 mentions)
People seem to be upset that The Crown didnât have a bigger ending, so Iâm proposing a Zach Snyder-style redo of the final episode, where Elizabeth jumps a burning motorcycle over a squad of corgis and slams straight into Zombie Margaret Thatcher, causing a giant explosion in the electric guitar factory
- Jan 29, 2024, 1:47 PM(2 mentions)
- Feb 11, 2024, 10:31 AM(1 mention)
H.L. Mencken on American profanity, in 1936: âOur maid-of-all-work in that department [indecency] is son-of-a-bitch, which seems as pale and ineffectual to a Slav or a Latin as fudge does to us. There is simply no lift in it, no shock, no sis-boom-ah. The dumbest policeman in Palermo thinks of a dozen better ones between breakfast and the noon whistle.â
- Feb 11, 2024, 12:14 PM(3 mentions)
- Feb 29, 2024, 10:59 AM(2 mentions)
- Mar 28, 2024, 12:31 PM(4 mentions)
- Apr 28, 2024, 1:06 AM(3 mentions)
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- May 3, 2024, 10:09 PM(5 mentions)
- May 11, 2024, 3:08 AM(2 mentions)
- May 11, 2024, 1:32 PM
- May 25, 2024, 1:29 AM
- Jun 17, 2024, 6:35 PM(1 mention)
- Jul 21, 2024, 11:41 AM(6 mentions)
- Jul 22, 2024, 8:56 PM(2 mentions)
- Jul 26, 2024, 12:18 PM
- Jul 27, 2024, 12:12 AM(1 mention)
- Aug 2, 2024, 1:19 PM(3 mentions)
- Aug 29, 2024, 9:34 PM(1 mention)
- Sep 9, 2024, 3:14 AM(24 mentions)
- Sep 9, 2024, 1:56 PM
- Sep 11, 2024, 11:36 PM
- Sep 23, 2024, 12:40 PM
Paul Francis Webster won three Academy Awards in his lifetime. What we remember him for now are the lyrics:
âSpider-Man, Spider-Man / Does whatever a spider can / Is he strong? Listen bud / Heâs got radioactive bloodâ
I think about this all the time.
- Sep 27, 2024, 4:45 PM
REPORTER: Whatâs your favorite lunar sample?
YOU: What kind of question isâ
[evan grabs podium]
ME: BIG MULEY
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Muley
- Oct 2, 2024, 12:04 PM(1 mention)
Our neighbors hired a mobile dog groomer, and the van is posted up outside our house.
Every time the air compressor comes on, I picture them pressure-washing a standard poodle.
- Oct 4, 2024, 1:18 AM