All The Tweets
- Dec 3, 2024, 3:15 PM
- Dec 2, 2024, 1:43 PM
New dibranch just dropped https://arstechnica.com/science/2024/12/glowing-sea-slug-behaves-like-a-jellyfish-lizard-and-venus-flytrap/
- Nov 26, 2024, 6:37 PM(9 mentions)
Free lifestyle idea: every time you walk into a place of business, proclaim that you’re “looking to take it to the next level”
- Nov 19, 2024, 11:42 PM(2 mentions)
[puts clothes on backwards, embarrassing children] now that’s what I call a “bomb cyclone, [carried off by sudden gust of wind]
- Nov 19, 2024, 12:12 AM(3 mentions)
- Nov 17, 2024, 10:00 PM(4 mentions)
Trader Joe’s Elote Corn Chip Dippers should be rebranded Spicy Cool Ranch Fritos, and I mean that in the best conceivable way
- Nov 14, 2024, 7:37 AM(3 mentions)
Not all the news is bad. https://apnews.com/article/onion-buys-infowars-alex-jones-6496f198d141c991087dcd937b3588e9
- Nov 8, 2024, 12:27 PM(2 mentions)
- Nov 7, 2024, 11:26 AM(4 mentions)
- Nov 5, 2024, 2:02 PM(1 mention)
I volunteered to do ballot curing for Nevada voters today, and a 96-year-old woman named Gladys showed up on her iPad asking astute questions. Absolute hero.
Also she had problems with the Zoom UI, but I had those same problems.
- Nov 4, 2024, 5:59 PM
If you’d like to help goats (and you should), here is a way you can help goats. https://pugetsoundgoatrescue.betterworld.org/auctions/puget-sound-goat-rescue2024-fund
- Nov 3, 2024, 12:41 PM(3 mentions)
The hardest part of being American is living through the times we could have fixed something, and didn’t, and people suffered.
The best part of being American is the unshakable belief, despite every setback, that we’ll become what we should. No matter how long it takes.
- Nov 1, 2024, 8:43 PM(4 mentions)
- Oct 4, 2024, 1:18 AM(1 mention)
- Oct 2, 2024, 12:04 PM(1 mention)
Our neighbors hired a mobile dog groomer, and the van is posted up outside our house.
Every time the air compressor comes on, I picture them pressure-washing a standard poodle.
- Sep 27, 2024, 4:45 PM
REPORTER: What’s your favorite lunar sample?
YOU: What kind of question is—
[evan grabs podium]
ME: BIG MULEY
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Muley
- Sep 23, 2024, 12:40 PM
Paul Francis Webster won three Academy Awards in his lifetime. What we remember him for now are the lyrics:
“Spider-Man, Spider-Man / Does whatever a spider can / Is he strong? Listen bud / He’s got radioactive blood”
I think about this all the time.
- Sep 11, 2024, 11:36 PM
- Sep 9, 2024, 1:56 PM
- Sep 9, 2024, 3:14 AM(24 mentions)
- Aug 29, 2024, 9:34 PM(1 mention)
- Aug 2, 2024, 1:19 PM(3 mentions)
- Jul 27, 2024, 12:12 AM(1 mention)
- Jul 26, 2024, 12:18 PM
- Jul 22, 2024, 8:56 PM(2 mentions)
- Jul 21, 2024, 11:41 AM(6 mentions)
- Jun 17, 2024, 6:35 PM(1 mention)
- May 25, 2024, 1:29 AM
- May 11, 2024, 1:32 PM
- May 11, 2024, 3:08 AM(2 mentions)
- May 3, 2024, 10:09 PM(5 mentions)
- Apr 30, 2024, 7:37 PM
- Apr 28, 2024, 1:06 AM(3 mentions)
- Mar 28, 2024, 12:31 PM(4 mentions)
- Feb 29, 2024, 10:59 AM(2 mentions)
- Feb 11, 2024, 12:14 PM(3 mentions)
- Feb 11, 2024, 10:31 AM(1 mention)
H.L. Mencken on American profanity, in 1936: “Our maid-of-all-work in that department [indecency] is son-of-a-bitch, which seems as pale and ineffectual to a Slav or a Latin as fudge does to us. There is simply no lift in it, no shock, no sis-boom-ah. The dumbest policeman in Palermo thinks of a dozen better ones between breakfast and the noon whistle.”
- Jan 29, 2024, 1:47 PM(2 mentions)
- Jan 21, 2024, 11:18 PM(2 mentions)
People seem to be upset that The Crown didn’t have a bigger ending, so I’m proposing a Zach Snyder-style redo of the final episode, where Elizabeth jumps a burning motorcycle over a squad of corgis and slams straight into Zombie Margaret Thatcher, causing a giant explosion in the electric guitar factory
- Jan 18, 2024, 11:04 PM(4 mentions)
- Jan 18, 2024, 8:28 PM(2 mentions)
- Jan 1, 2024, 2:19 AM
I’m up late working on my edgy reboot of Steamboat Willie, “Chainsaw Willie.” Gotta strike while the iron is hot.
- Jan 1, 2024, 12:05 AM(4 mentions)
- Dec 21, 2023, 11:54 AM(1 mention)
- Dec 18, 2023, 6:40 PM(2 mentions)
- Dec 15, 2023, 9:50 PM(8 mentions)
Gwen: Mason at school said the live action Grinch is better than the old animated Grinch and I said he was wrong because the old one is what I love from my childhood
Me: well different people have different traditions, let’s respect that
Gwen: and he said I had bad parents for giving me a bad childhood
Me: you tell Mason your dad is going to beat his ass - Nov 30, 2023, 1:02 PM(1 mention)
- Nov 29, 2023, 12:56 AM(1 mention)
I watched Pacific Rim with my older daughter tonight, and while the credits were rolling she said “next they should make Pacific Rim 2: Atlantic Boogaloo.”
- Nov 21, 2023, 8:25 PM
- Nov 19, 2023, 9:04 PM(1 mention)
In 1969 there were a lot of cool people alive, and Robert Plant was one of the coolest. And he wrote a song about how Gollum stole his girl. I think about this all the time.
- Nov 17, 2023, 3:53 PM(5 mentions)
- Aug 8, 2023, 8:52 PM
When I got into cooking, I really wanted to learn the family gumbo recipe, which Grandma served once each summer. She was from Kansas, but her mom had grown up in New Orleans.
I went over to her house one June afternoon, excited to bond with Grandma and pass down a tradition. She’d bought a pile of shrimp, which I started studiously deveining.
Then she opened The Joy of Cooking and said “it says to make a roux, but that’s too much work, so I always skip it.”
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/secret-family-recipes-copied
- Jul 1, 2023, 8:52 PM
- Jun 18, 2023, 12:39 PM
- Jun 6, 2023, 10:07 AM
This is absolutely bonkers. Wow. https://www.washingtonpost.com/science/2023/06/06/drill-earth-mantle-rocks/
- May 29, 2023, 11:22 AM(15 mentions)
- Apr 27, 2023, 5:09 PM(6 mentions)
Seattle Public Libraries are a treasure. https://www.spl.org/programs-and-services/teens/books-unbanned
- Apr 23, 2023, 9:11 PM(5 mentions)
- Apr 9, 2023, 10:55 AM(11 mentions)
I’ve heard it said that today is a holier day than even Christmas, to which I can only say: I am humbled by your appreciation.
Happy Evan Stoner Day 2023.
- Mar 12, 2023, 10:22 PM(90 mentions)
So Ke Huy Quan, when he’s 12, plays Harrison Ford’s sidekick in Temple of Doom. By the time he’s 21, he gives up on acting because he can’t get cast.
When he’s fifty-one, he goes up on stage to get the Best Picture Oscar…from Harrison Ford.
- Mar 12, 2023, 5:30 PM(1 mention)
- Feb 21, 2023, 6:24 PM(1 mention)
The cool thing about California Adventure is that it’s like Northern California is in Southern California.
It’s one-stop California.
- Feb 16, 2023, 11:40 PM(2 mentions)
One of the most underrated elements of MCU movies is the pitch-perfect, organic way they weave music into the films. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0oeY1KMY9U
- Feb 16, 2023, 10:34 PM
I simply don’t understand why Quantumania is getting savaged in the media. I thought it was a fantastic movie.
- Feb 14, 2023, 7:15 PM(2 mentions)
- Feb 12, 2023, 1:26 PM(1 mention)
- Feb 12, 2023, 1:24 PM(1 mention)
- Feb 10, 2023, 7:54 PM(17 mentions)
- Feb 9, 2023, 9:50 PM(7 mentions)
- Jan 20, 2023, 7:36 PM(1 mention)
- Jan 15, 2023, 1:05 AM(2 mentions)
- Jan 11, 2023, 9:32 PM(36 mentions)
The problem with naming your company this, is that when you do a layoff, it sounds like the reporter is doing jokey Shakespeare voice at a really inappropriate time. Forsooth!
- Jan 7, 2023, 2:28 PM(17 mentions)
The Verge is out here live-blogging a web page error, for all their digital native readers who have never seen such a thing before.
- Jan 6, 2023, 11:43 PM(5 mentions)
- Jan 1, 2023, 7:34 PM(10 mentions)
I finally got webmentions for my site working for Mastodon this afternoon.
(Please read this toot the same way that Crow T. Robot says “Made my own blender mayonnaise last night.”)
- Jan 1, 2023, 3:02 PM(13 mentions)
- Dec 19, 2022, 3:01 PM(15 mentions)
- Dec 19, 2022, 3:22 AM(12 mentions)
- Dec 10, 2022, 11:23 PM(7 mentions)
- Dec 10, 2022, 12:34 PM(1 mention)
- Nov 27, 2022, 8:05 PM(3 mentions)
- Nov 21, 2022, 8:29 PM(1 mention)
- Nov 21, 2022, 4:54 PM(2 mentions)
With every new platform comes special kinds of awkwardness; today on Mastodon a long-dead colleague followed me, because I migrated to a different instance.
- Nov 20, 2022, 3:21 PM(5 mentions)
- Nov 19, 2022, 2:41 PM
- Nov 18, 2022, 6:30 PM
Of course, during these troubled times on the hellsite, my old nemesis sees an opening to strike. https://westseattleblog.com/2022/11/from-the-wsb-holiday-guide-1-week-until-christmas-ship-arrives-in-west-seattle-waters/
- Nov 17, 2022, 9:48 PM(2 mentions)
- Nov 17, 2022, 9:15 PM(4 mentions)
- Nov 17, 2022, 8:35 PM(3 mentions)
- Nov 17, 2022, 1:46 PM(11 mentions)
The dude apparently wants to compensate exceptional performance with exceptional amounts of stock, but…he just took it private? 🤔🤔🤔🤔
- Nov 14, 2022, 11:10 PM
- Nov 14, 2022, 11:17 AM(11 mentions)
- Nov 10, 2022, 11:31 PM(36 mentions)
When I read that the dude wants to turn Twitter into a bank, I discovered that I did not have enough laughter for the comedy at hand. It was like trying to drink the ocean. Like schadenfreude had given way to an out of body experience. Like bad ideas distilled into mescaline.
- Nov 6, 2022, 7:29 PM(4 mentions)
Best part of trick or treating this year was the kids yelling “It’s Subwoolfer!! Awesome!!!” and running up to this house.
- Nov 6, 2022, 7:16 PM(6 mentions)
The curse of the social media integration engineer is that you can only test in production, so you’ve got to come up with interesting things to say, over and over again, until your code works. And then hope you still have friends
- Nov 6, 2022, 6:51 PM(1 mention)
Gwen started a video game that asked her to type in a name for her character.
Fifteen minutes later I realized she picked “Galaxy Everheart.”
- Nov 5, 2022, 5:02 PM(8 mentions)
- Oct 26, 2022, 10:11 PM(3 mentions)
People on Twitter are currently making Ye/Crocs jokes at a steady rate of 7 per hour. I am monitoring the situation as it develops.
- Oct 2, 2022, 12:00 AM(4 mentions)
- Sep 27, 2022, 10:59 AM(6 mentions)
Travel tip: you can learn a lot about a city’s “vibe” by visiting the historic queer neighborhood, of the airport
- Sep 25, 2022, 12:31 PM(13 mentions)
Had to take the cat to urgent care, ended up in the strip mall by where I grew up. Currently composing a mournful country song about how the Petco is now a Pet Pros and the Shari’s is now a Wendy’s.
- Sep 17, 2022, 11:32 PM(5 mentions)
- Sep 17, 2022, 6:47 PM(9 mentions)
My mom: Saw two crows kill a rat the other day.
Me: did they eat it? Or just kill it?
Mom: they ate part of it.
Gwen, cheerfully: Rats are full of nutrients! - Sep 15, 2022, 9:38 PM(2 mentions)
- Sep 11, 2022, 7:09 PM(5 mentions)
The phrase “welfare queen” hits different when you realize that the government doled out £100 million every year to the literal Queen.
- Sep 11, 2022, 12:47 AM(4 mentions)
- Sep 8, 2022, 10:18 PM(2 mentions)
- Sep 8, 2022, 8:24 PM(2 mentions)
Remember, remember! The 8th of September, when people on Twitter were rude; I know of no reason why the rudeness on Twitter should ever be eschewed.
- Sep 8, 2022, 1:13 AM(1 mention)
- Aug 31, 2022, 7:15 PM(31 mentions)
- Aug 26, 2022, 7:41 PM(2 mentions)
- Aug 24, 2022, 7:56 PM(1 mention)
- Aug 20, 2022, 7:05 PM(5 mentions)
Gwen [playing Mario Kart and muttering]: I ain’t goin out like that
Me: …where did you learn that phrase
G: 🤷♀️ - Aug 11, 2022, 8:35 PM(1 mention)
“Back in 1985, John Norton answered the question that no one had asked.” http://bigchickenhotrods.com/barstool-racers
- Aug 8, 2022, 7:52 PM(4 mentions)
- Jul 11, 2022, 10:34 PM(6 mentions)
- Jul 9, 2022, 7:16 PM(1 mention)
- Jul 8, 2022, 8:41 PM(7 mentions)
- Jul 6, 2022, 7:47 PM(13 mentions)
Parenting pro tip: when you need to tell your 10-year-old that the beloved local punk rock burger joint, where she’s had 95% of her lifetime burgers, is closing down because their landlord is a sack of shit, get a teensy bit drunk first.
- Jun 26, 2022, 3:47 PM(3 mentions)
I don’t really get why everybody is so excited about NewProfilePic? It seems like another massive private harvest of biometrics for very little returned value.
- Jun 22, 2022, 1:40 PM(1 mention)
- Jun 19, 2022, 5:42 PM(15 mentions)
- Jun 15, 2022, 4:31 PM(27 mentions)
People often complain that Slack discussions are hard to follow. I wonder how much of it is due to the fact that we use sloppy English in Slack: sparse capitalization and punctuation, verbal grammar, etc. It’s just physically hard to read.
- May 27, 2022, 8:09 PM
- May 24, 2022, 8:25 PM(8 mentions)
- May 12, 2022, 2:59 PM(35 mentions)
- Apr 29, 2022, 8:22 PM(3 mentions)
[kids are at the piano, each banging out small melodies at the same time]
elspeth: wait play that again
gwen: [plays it again]
e: oh my god are you rick rolling me
g: yes - Apr 27, 2022, 2:56 PM(4 mentions)
- Apr 26, 2022, 9:11 PM(1 mention)
I was today years old when I realized they snuck the original android Human Torch into the first Captain America movie.
- Apr 25, 2022, 12:33 PM(7 mentions)
I think Musk’s prime motivation is in taking it private. He’s run afoul of the SEC so many times for saying zany shit while running a public company; this is a lifestyle upgrade for him.
It’s possible that if he can’t take Tesla private, he steps back from running Tesla.
- Apr 21, 2022, 9:51 PM(12 mentions)
Elspeth: Today in world history class my teacher was like “anybody know what Japanese movie Star Wars is based on”
Me: [waits for it]
Elspeth: And I was like “HIDDEN FORTRESS”
Me: [basks in the state of ultimate triumph]
- Apr 17, 2022, 10:40 AM(6 mentions)
- Apr 15, 2022, 6:52 PM(11 mentions)
- Apr 9, 2022, 9:44 AM(38 mentions)
I’m sure I don’t need to remind anyone of this, but it’s Evan Stoner Day. Please feel free to mark the occasion with the rituals and customs traditional in your culture.
- Mar 21, 2022, 10:10 PM(1 mention)
What the hell? This thing was meant to be 2 B-52’s in a trenchcoat. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conroy_Virtus
- Mar 16, 2022, 7:41 PM(6 mentions)
- Mar 7, 2022, 8:09 PM(3 mentions)
Ukrainian logistics are really…something else. https://twitter.com/AVindman/status/1500937699737362439
- Mar 1, 2022, 9:57 PM(38 mentions)
It’s surprisingly difficult to ask a search engine what types of non-bread loaves there are. For example:
Meat.
Olive.
Cheese.What loaves am I forgetting?
- Feb 18, 2022, 8:53 PM(8 mentions)
tired: glad I went to college before camera phones
wired: glad I was a college radio DJ before they had cameras in the booth
https://thecarletonian.com/2022/02/04/krlx-renovations/
- Feb 10, 2022, 1:11 PM(6 mentions)
“KUOW is bricking car entertainment systems” is a 100% incorrect headline. “Mazda entertainment systems can brick if you listen to the radio” is accurate.
- Feb 9, 2022, 8:47 PM(5 mentions)
But her emails? https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/09/us/politics/national-archives-trump-classified-material.html
- Feb 9, 2022, 7:42 PM(2 mentions)
- Feb 6, 2022, 6:38 PM(6 mentions)
[family birthday dinner, we’ve just finished eating and are about to have dessert]
Gwen: Grammy can you tell us your scat story
- Jan 28, 2022, 6:42 PM(49 mentions)
Apologies, but I have to do a parent brag: my eldest heir just got 100% on her semester final project on the history of non-binary pronouns
- Jan 25, 2022, 10:09 AM(19 mentions)
- Jan 22, 2022, 7:31 PM(1 mention)
I am apparently now the kind of person who owns two kinds of kümmel at the same time. /cc @abandonedbranch
- Jan 19, 2022, 6:23 PM(13 mentions)
I never, ever, in my entire life, thought this story would be brought to the screen. Holy shit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpgAhTP6ElA
- Jan 17, 2022, 9:31 PM(1 mention)
The weirdest thing about Mothra vs. Godzilla (1964) is that a character can use a phrase like “the Mothra twins” and that’s not actually specific enough for you to know who they’re talking about.
- Jan 16, 2022, 8:05 PM(5 mentions)
“Play a song for you? Sure, this one is called ‘What Kind of Dumbass Likes Solo Tambourine Music.’ Asshole”
—Mr. Tambourine Man, probably - Jan 15, 2022, 1:30 PM(35 mentions)
- Jan 13, 2022, 9:56 PM(52 mentions)
- Jan 12, 2022, 2:37 PM(10 mentions)
- Jan 11, 2022, 12:42 PM(5 mentions)
This is the first time I’ve seen somebody in person, and then they end up on my money. https://www.usmint.gov/news/press-releases/united-states-mint-begins-shipping-first-american-women-quarters-program-coins
- Jan 9, 2022, 7:55 PM(35 mentions)
- Jan 6, 2022, 1:25 AM(3 mentions)
- Jan 1, 2022, 1:52 PM(1 mention)
I am now willing to recognize one other acceptable Christmas song beside Christmas in Hollis. https://youtu.be/jxtK2757mz4
- Dec 29, 2021, 7:38 PM(22 mentions)
Gwen: in this game I just adopted a dog named Mr. Worldwide but I don’t know what kind it is
Me: …is it a pitbull
G: yes, how did you know that
- Dec 18, 2021, 2:45 PM(3 mentions)
- Dec 17, 2021, 10:10 AM(8 mentions)
Gwen: I was reading the Players Handbook last night
Me:
G: I found out that my halfling can ride on a mastiff
M:
G: they only cost 25 gold pieces
M:
G: can we leave the dungeon for a minute so we can get more rations
M: …and a mastiff
G: yes - Dec 16, 2021, 8:10 AM(10 mentions)
- Dec 15, 2021, 10:48 PM
Fifteen years ago today:
- The power went out for three days
- We found out Laurel was pregnant with Elspeth
- Ten minutes later we got in a literal car chase where I had to hand Laurel my phone and tell her to call 911
- Dec 15, 2021, 9:47 PM(4 mentions)
- Dec 12, 2021, 1:51 PM(20 mentions)
- Dec 9, 2021, 10:20 PM(6 mentions)
Current Gwen status: sobbing that she has doubts whether Santa Claus is real, and thinks maybe there isn’t magic in the world 💔 💔 💔
- Nov 23, 2021, 11:12 PM(1 mention)
- Nov 21, 2021, 3:24 PM(8 mentions)
- Nov 12, 2021, 4:09 PM(7 mentions)
- Nov 11, 2021, 9:00 PM(3 mentions)
In further evidence of the War on the War on Christmas, the Christmas Ships will not be coming to my neighborhood this year, so you will be spared the traditional invective and harangues with which I welcome the season.
- Nov 9, 2021, 3:38 PM(3 mentions)
Got my whole family moved from AT&T to Verizon, after many many years as a customer. I feel better about where my money is going.
Also my voicemail works now.
- Nov 7, 2021, 3:55 PM(46 mentions)
- Nov 5, 2021, 10:56 AM(5 mentions)
- Oct 31, 2021, 8:04 PM(16 mentions)
I’m glad to see that, after all these years, there’s still always one single house that gives out Idaho Spuds.
- Oct 31, 2021, 7:47 PM(14 mentions)
- Oct 31, 2021, 6:18 PM(19 mentions)
- Oct 30, 2021, 5:03 PM(4 mentions)
- Oct 25, 2021, 12:43 AM(1 mention)
- Oct 22, 2021, 8:22 PM(5 mentions)
- Oct 16, 2021, 12:05 PM(6 mentions)
Baby spider, next to a cupcake crumb on our cutting board. Taken with the new iPhone macro lens; the spider’s body is less than 1mm long.
- Oct 15, 2021, 8:20 PM(13 mentions)
Gwen: this is weird but I want you to do something
Me: what
Gwen: jump
Me: [jumps]
Gwen: I’ve never seen you do that before
Me: was it basically like you expected
Gwen: I don’t know what I was expecting
- Sep 28, 2021, 1:24 AM(7 mentions)
those are slices of jello shot cake
that were handed to us by people we didn’t know
at a longshoreman’s bar
and I probably should not have eaten them
but nonetheless here we are
- Sep 23, 2021, 11:21 PM
I have no idea how they pulled off that episode of Ted Lasso. They need to go back and find a way to give Hannah Waddingham a second Emmy.
- Sep 17, 2021, 12:42 PM(2 mentions)
- Sep 17, 2021, 12:08 AM(2 mentions)
Ten points to whoever first successfully identifies my favorite element of the Beard episode of Ted Lasso.
- Sep 14, 2021, 8:14 PM(6 mentions)
Gwen: have I told you about the Kindness Pearl
Me: …no
G: it’s in most of my books
M:
G: it lives inside of the Kindness Clam
M:
G: and if it’s in good hands that’s great, but bad people try to steal it
M: so this is the Infinity Stones in the Gwen Cinematic Universe
G: yep - Sep 7, 2021, 6:32 PM(13 mentions)
- Jul 8, 2021, 6:25 PM
- Jun 30, 2021, 12:02 PM(10 mentions)
I am now receiving emails for Evan Stober, who I imagine is identical to me in every way, except typing competency.
- Jun 27, 2021, 11:46 PM(10 mentions)
- Jun 23, 2021, 7:04 PM(10 mentions)
The best thing about the “Alanis Morissette doesn’t know what ironic means, ha ha” critique:
It implies that the song would be better if it was called “Various Pains in the Ass” or “Here’s Some Stuff That Sucks.”
- Jun 13, 2021, 5:26 PM
- May 25, 2021, 6:44 PM(3 mentions)
Kansas: 🎶…nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky—🎶
[record scratch]
Geologist narrator: well actually, - May 22, 2021, 5:57 PM(9 mentions)
If I don’t see the green fairy within 48 hours of this Moderna dose I am going to be so disappointed.
- May 17, 2021, 10:01 AM
I’m truly impressed with how hard it is to understand the following headline: “First White Magic Keyboard for iPad Pro Unboxing Surfaces Online.”
There are six potential nouns in there, and the actual subject is a gerund. Plus it’s all in title case, so capitalization will not help you.
- May 15, 2021, 7:02 PM(13 mentions)
Gwen [reading aloud]: qwertyuiop
Me: you know, that keyboard layout is ca—
Gwen: this keyboard was invented 140 years ago and was designed to reduce typewriter jams. Let me draw for you what a jammed key looks like
Me:
- May 11, 2021, 2:53 PM(14 mentions)
[Gwen is muttering at the table by herself]
Me: are you making up a story
G: no, not exactly. I’m pretending these peanut butter crackers are in a game show where the two with the most peanut butter go to the final round. Also I’m making up ads for the commercial breaks
- May 9, 2021, 6:19 PM(2 mentions)
- May 2, 2021, 12:17 AM(9 mentions)
Gwen: can I make [Evan’s weird inauthentic mi goreng recipe] for lunch for you and me? I memorized it from watching you
Me: uh that would be amazing
[later. the mi goreng is delicious]
G: I should make our lunch every Saturday
Me:
- Apr 30, 2021, 1:42 PM(28 mentions)
- Apr 28, 2021, 1:43 PM(12 mentions)
Looking forward to trying out this “walking around outside” thing I’ve been hearing more and more about.
- Apr 27, 2021, 10:30 PM
- Apr 27, 2021, 10:26 PM(18 mentions)
[kids are with my parents, the conversation turns to racism]
Gwen (3rd grader): racists are assholes
Elspeth (8th grader): Gwen! you aren’t allowed to swear until you’re in 8th grade
G: sorry
E: you can think swears in your head in 5th grade
Grandparents: [shaking] - Apr 26, 2021, 11:48 AM(10 mentions)
As you know, here at evanstoner.com the whole team is passionate about the quality of the reading experience for you, our valued customer.
Starting today, you will no longer see those dangly links in my tweets, and my indieweb crap will just work invisibly.
- Apr 26, 2021, 1:43 AM(20 mentions)
[we are playing D&D for the first time]
Me: ok this magic item was made by the duergar—
Gwen: the duergar?! Those are the grey dwarves! They’re terrible, they were slave traders in the Underdark!
Me:
G: I read through the Player’s Handbook twice - Apr 25, 2021, 2:33 PM(5 mentions)
Gwen never used to want to play D&D, because she’s very upset by even pretend violence.
Then she came up with the idea that monsters don’t get killed, they just “go to a different dimension” and now she says things like “I am going to fry that goblin with a Fire Bolt.”
- Apr 22, 2021, 9:56 AM(3 mentions)
I can’t get through this article because I keep thinking “What kind of monster would ever serve a Manhattan on the rocks.” https://blog.twitter.com/engineering/en_us/topics/infrastructure/2021/adopting-rocksdb-within-manhattan.html
- Apr 11, 2021, 8:54 PM(8 mentions)
- Apr 9, 2021, 10:26 AM(23 mentions)
In challenging times, rituals can sustain us. I urge you to make the time to celebrate this beloved holiday with the traditional foods, dances, and solemn contemplation.
- Mar 31, 2021, 7:05 PM(1 mention)
- Mar 29, 2021, 7:52 PM(7 mentions)
Gwen: sometimes I pretend I’m a person who has the code name Midnight Fire
Elspeth: that’s a really good code name
G: thanks - Mar 25, 2021, 6:03 PM(4 mentions)
- Mar 20, 2021, 8:03 PM(11 mentions)
- Mar 20, 2021, 7:06 PM(11 mentions)
- Mar 14, 2021, 11:34 PM(25 mentions)
I wondered what the last photo I took in Portland was, before the pandemic happened and I quit my Portland job, and it is Appropriate.
- Mar 14, 2021, 10:43 PM(3 mentions)
- Mar 14, 2021, 5:20 PM(38 mentions)
- Mar 14, 2021, 3:04 AM(5 mentions)
It’s the classic story; you try to get them to crack open the Chomsky, but all they want to read is comic books.
- Mar 14, 2021, 12:49 AM(2 mentions)
- Mar 12, 2021, 8:13 PM(1 mention)
Amazon should feel profoundly embarrassed about this. https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2021/03/10/amazon-library-ebook-monopoly/
- Mar 10, 2021, 7:48 PM(7 mentions)
- Mar 10, 2021, 6:26 PM(1 mention)
- Mar 7, 2021, 4:43 PM(1 mention)
It’s important to follow up your strength training sessions with a cool down activity, like assembling furniture for two hours while a kitten tries to bite you.
- Mar 7, 2021, 1:22 PM(1 mention)
- Mar 5, 2021, 6:29 PM(31 mentions)
Gwen: will you play a game with me
Me: I just stopped working and I’m really tired—
G: would you like me to make you some cinnamon toast?
Me: ...YES - Mar 2, 2021, 11:24 PM(6 mentions)
Parenting challenge, hard mode: the cat has gotten wise and hidden under the child’s bed so you can’t give her her meds. Extract the cat while not waking up the child.
- Feb 20, 2021, 10:15 PM(3 mentions)
- Feb 19, 2021, 9:32 PM(9 mentions)
- Feb 13, 2021, 8:10 PM(4 mentions)
- Feb 9, 2021, 10:10 PM(2 mentions)
- Jan 29, 2021, 11:35 PM(3 mentions)
- Jan 29, 2021, 10:54 PM(15 mentions)
- Jan 22, 2021, 10:06 PM(15 mentions)
- Jan 20, 2021, 8:43 PM(10 mentions)
You haven’t lived until you’ve watched Gwen put on a 45 minute unscripted puppet show about cats evaluating different brands of cat beds, while a crazed kitten repeatedly tries to tear down the stage.
- Jan 19, 2021, 9:01 PM(2 mentions)
- Jan 16, 2021, 8:57 PM
- Jan 16, 2021, 8:32 PM(5 mentions)
- Jan 15, 2021, 8:11 PM(12 mentions)
- Jan 15, 2021, 1:16 AM(2 mentions)
“The Wellerman” is a beautiful, traditional song about a group of dudes spending eternity trying to murder an endangered whale, while some other dude drops by periodically to bring them refreshments.
- Jan 14, 2021, 6:25 PM
Gwen: we talked today in class about how it makes you feel bad when you ask why you have to do something, and somebody says “because I said so”
Me: yeah, that feels bad
Gwen: I was the only one in class who had never been told that before
Me: ❤️😭❤️
- Jan 10, 2021, 8:37 PM(17 mentions)
Gwen: [walks in sobbing]
Me: what’s wrong
G: I saw the Xmas tree on the curb
M:
G: I just took it for granted
M:
G: I wish Cmas didn’t have to end
M:
G: I wish the tree didn’t have to die
M:
G: I hugged it - Jan 9, 2021, 12:56 AM(22 mentions)
I’m sad that @Simple is closing down, but I will always have my Memories of those TRIPS TO PORTLAND Over The Years.
- Jan 8, 2021, 8:34 PM(2 mentions)
- Jan 8, 2021, 5:34 PM(3 mentions)
- Jan 7, 2021, 11:35 PM(12 mentions)
A new year is a great time to adopt new healthy habits! Like, if you’re going to name check George Orwell, maybe go read literally one Goddamned paragraph of the Wikipedia article about him first,
- Jan 7, 2021, 12:59 AM
- Jan 6, 2021, 7:54 PM(7 mentions)
- Jan 6, 2021, 7:17 PM(13 mentions)
- Jan 1, 2021, 8:40 PM(4 mentions)
The kitten likes to take a dump while I’m scooping the litter box, looking up at me like “challenge...accepted.”
- Jan 1, 2021, 8:34 PM
Everyone knows that hindsight is 2020. What this tweet presupposes is: maybe Mad Dog is 2020 instead?
- Jan 1, 2021, 1:40 AM(1 mention)
- Jan 1, 2021, 12:06 AM
- Dec 30, 2020, 10:27 PM
- Dec 30, 2020, 1:09 PM(40 mentions)
I switched from Gmail to Fastmail a few weeks ago, and I’m shocked by how much better it is. My email is actually useful again.
- Dec 28, 2020, 8:22 PM
- Dec 28, 2020, 8:22 PM
- Dec 28, 2020, 12:35 AM(1 mention)
- Dec 28, 2020, 12:20 AM
- Dec 28, 2020, 12:06 AM
Testing in production is always the best policy. Plus it bores your friends, who probably have been too excited lately. It’s good for them.
- Dec 27, 2020, 11:21 PM
- Dec 27, 2020, 7:17 PM
- Dec 27, 2020, 4:42 PM(5 mentions)
- Jul 17, 2019, 5:08 PM
- Jul 2, 2019, 9:25 PM
Welcome to 2019, where “pre-movie erotic ASMR low-carb beer commercial” is a phrase that describes a real thing.
- Jun 30, 2019, 6:05 PM
- Jun 14, 2019, 7:08 PM
- Jun 13, 2019, 8:53 PM
That feeling when you have to explain both “codpieces” and “Jack Chick tracts” to your kid during a single bedtime.
- May 31, 2019, 5:23 PM
- May 29, 2019, 9:13 PM
- May 26, 2019, 5:28 PM
- Dec 1, 2018, 4:42 PM
I can confirm that I am queen of teen internet. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/28/style/the-best-astrological-sign-of-all.html
- Nov 1, 2018, 6:43 PM
- Nov 1, 2018, 12:12 PM
- Oct 30, 2018, 7:27 PM
- Oct 27, 2018, 3:50 PM
There is a dude on this bus wearing Timbos with gaiters, and an eyepatch, and it is, word to God, the coolest thing I have ever seen.
- Oct 27, 2018, 3:48 PM
- Oct 21, 2018, 12:42 PM
- Oct 20, 2018, 7:46 PM
- Oct 20, 2018, 7:46 PM
- Oct 18, 2018, 7:25 PM
Gwen: "Maybe I can get Malala Yousafzai to join my Kindness Club! She changed the world, she would probably have all kinds of good tips!"
- Oct 16, 2018, 4:19 PM
- Oct 13, 2018, 10:13 AM
- Oct 10, 2018, 9:10 AM
"All he ever wanted was a glass of grappa." https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/delawareonline/obituary.aspx?n=rick-stein&pid=190409566
- Oct 9, 2018, 5:48 PM
Gwen: "Don't call me bossy!! I prefer 'strong-minded.' Because my mom is strong-minded, and so is my sister."
- Oct 8, 2018, 6:49 PM
- Aug 1, 2018, 2:36 PM
- Jul 28, 2018, 11:39 AM
I'm reading an old Jack Kirby comic, and there's a dude whose super power is his "Stone Hand," by which I mean he's a guy holding a brick.
- Jul 25, 2018, 6:37 PM
- Jul 25, 2018, 6:31 PM
- Jul 25, 2018, 6:20 PM
Just read one article about bartenders using vodka for the "texture" and another about bartenders using stevia and I'm in a mood to get into a fistfight.
- Jul 19, 2018, 7:47 PM