All The Tweets

• Jul 19, 2018, 7:47 PM

  Jay-Z's intro on "Umbrella" is functionally equivalent to a DVD anti-piracy warning.

• Jul 25, 2018, 6:20 PM

  Just read one article about bartenders using vodka for the "texture" and another about bartenders using stevia and I'm in a mood to get into a fistfight.

• Jul 25, 2018, 6:31 PM

  Current status: drinking a Dopo Teatro Manhattan and explaining the Fresh Prince to my kids

• Jul 25, 2018, 6:37 PM

  Now explaining Weezer and GnR to my kids, they're not really getting it tbh

• Jul 28, 2018, 11:39 AM

  I'm reading an old Jack Kirby comic, and there's a dude whose super power is his "Stone Hand," by which I mean he's a guy holding a brick.

• Aug 1, 2018, 2:36 PM

  I wish both phones and computers had a physical mute button for the microphone.

• Oct 8, 2018, 6:49 PM

  mah fravrit erncestor!! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ermengarde_of_Anjou,_Duchess_of_Burgundy

• Oct 9, 2018, 5:48 PM

  Gwen: "Don't call me bossy!! I prefer 'strong-minded.' Because my mom is strong-minded, and so is my sister."

• Oct 10, 2018, 9:10 AM

  "All he ever wanted was a glass of grappa." https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/delawareonline/obituary.aspx?n=rick-stein&pid=190409566

• Oct 13, 2018, 10:13 AM

  Tepache is delicious.

• Oct 16, 2018, 4:19 PM

  I accidentally went to the bar where they filmed the video for Jump Around. 🤯

• Oct 18, 2018, 7:25 PM

  Gwen: "Maybe I can get Malala Yousafzai to join my Kindness Club! She changed the world, she would probably have all kinds of good tips!"

• Oct 20, 2018, 7:46 PM

  Back on my bullshit: Negroni with sherry vermouth and hand-cut ice.

  

• Oct 20, 2018, 7:46 PM

  how many levels of ice are you on my dude

  

• Oct 21, 2018, 12:42 PM

  Dimensions of cat

  

• Oct 27, 2018, 3:48 PM

  Bus shibe.

  

• Oct 27, 2018, 3:50 PM

  There is a dude on this bus wearing Timbos with gaiters, and an eyepatch, and it is, word to God, the coolest thing I have ever seen.

• Oct 30, 2018, 7:27 PM

  🦛

• Nov 1, 2018, 12:12 PM

  Brolapse

• Nov 1, 2018, 6:43 PM

  The Mai Tai is proof Trader Vic loves us and wants us to be happy.

• Dec 1, 2018, 4:42 PM

  I can confirm that I am queen of teen internet. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/28/style/the-best-astrological-sign-of-all.html

• May 26, 2019, 5:28 PM

  This tweet is only a test. If you read it anyway, dang, that’s too bad.

  

  

• May 29, 2019, 9:13 PM

  The worst street art in the world now, after decades, has accent lighting.

  

• May 31, 2019, 5:23 PM

  It’s an unusual taxonomy, but hey.

  

• Jun 13, 2019, 8:53 PM

  That feeling when you have to explain both “codpieces” and “Jack Chick tracts” to your kid during a single bedtime.

• Jun 14, 2019, 7:08 PM

  best frens

  

• Jun 30, 2019, 6:05 PM

  My personal brand is that I just saved a baby garden spider who fell into my Negroni.

• Jul 2, 2019, 9:25 PM

  Welcome to 2019, where “pre-movie erotic ASMR low-carb beer commercial” is a phrase that describes a real thing.

• Jul 17, 2019, 5:08 PM

  Oh no

  

• Dec 27, 2020, 4:42 PM(5 mentions)

  Testing something out, please ignore.

• Dec 27, 2020, 7:17 PM

  Testing another thing out, please ignore this too.

• Dec 27, 2020, 11:21 PM

  Testing something again, please ignore. You’re so tempted, though, aren’t you.

• Dec 28, 2020, 12:06 AM

  Testing in production is always the best policy. Plus it bores your friends, who probably have been too excited lately. It’s good for them.

• Dec 28, 2020, 12:20 AM

  The only thing better than testing in production is REPEATEDLY testing in production and failing.

• Dec 28, 2020, 12:35 AM(1 mention)

  You know what’s a good time? Integration. Integration is a really good time.

• Dec 28, 2020, 8:22 PM

  My The? The.

• Dec 28, 2020, 8:22 PM

  My NULL? Cher.

• Dec 30, 2020, 1:09 PM(40 mentions)

  I switched from Gmail to Fastmail a few weeks ago, and I’m shocked by how much better it is. My email is actually useful again.

• Dec 30, 2020, 10:27 PM

  They really ought to give out Nobel Prizes in broscience. This shit is air tight and irrefutable.

  

• Jan 1, 2021, 12:06 AM

  woooooooooo

  

• Jan 1, 2021, 1:40 AM(1 mention)

  big 2021 vibes

  

• Jan 1, 2021, 8:34 PM

  Everyone knows that hindsight is 2020. What this tweet presupposes is: maybe Mad Dog is 2020 instead?

• Jan 1, 2021, 8:40 PM(4 mentions)

  The kitten likes to take a dump while I’m scooping the litter box, looking up at me like “challenge...accepted.”

• Jan 6, 2021, 7:17 PM(13 mentions)

  Let us never forget the infamy that occurred on this day, the Sixth of January

  

• Jan 6, 2021, 7:54 PM(7 mentions)

  Can you believe that my insurance agent would abandon her post, in the middle of all this

  

• Jan 7, 2021, 12:59 AM

  It’s official! Only two more weeks of Infrastructure Week.

• Jan 7, 2021, 11:35 PM(12 mentions)

  A new year is a great time to adopt new healthy habits! Like, if you’re going to name check George Orwell, maybe go read literally one Goddamned paragraph of the Wikipedia article about him first,

• Jan 8, 2021, 5:34 PM(3 mentions)

  And on this day, 12000 egg accounts tweeted “I AM THE PRESIDENT, OBEY PRESIDENT EGG”

• Jan 8, 2021, 8:34 PM(2 mentions)

  In other news, I got a beep from Kim, and momma cooked a breakfast with no hog.

• Jan 9, 2021, 12:56 AM(22 mentions)

  I’m sad that @Simple is closing down, but I will always have my Memories of those TRIPS TO PORTLAND Over The Years.

  

• Jan 10, 2021, 8:37 PM(17 mentions)

  Gwen: [walks in sobbing]
  Me: what’s wrong
  G: I saw the Xmas tree on the curb
  M:
  G: I just took it for granted
  M:
  G: I wish Cmas didn’t have to end
  M:
  G: I wish the tree didn’t have to die
  M:
  G: I hugged it

• Jan 14, 2021, 6:25 PM

  Gwen: we talked today in class about how it makes you feel bad when you ask why you have to do something, and somebody says “because I said so”

  Me: yeah, that feels bad

  Gwen: I was the only one in class who had never been told that before

  Me: ❤️😭❤️

• Jan 15, 2021, 1:16 AM(2 mentions)

  “The Wellerman” is a beautiful, traditional song about a group of dudes spending eternity trying to murder an endangered whale, while some other dude drops by periodically to bring them refreshments.

• Jan 15, 2021, 8:11 PM(12 mentions)

  my chin is v warm

  

• Jan 16, 2021, 8:32 PM(5 mentions)

  Gwen wanted me to share some of her Clumsy Ninja’s moves with you.

  

• Jan 16, 2021, 8:57 PM

  Post the photo in your camera roll from today that most accurately describes your 15th anniversary.

  

• Jan 19, 2021, 9:01 PM(2 mentions)

  “can I live”

  

• Jan 20, 2021, 8:43 PM(10 mentions)

  You haven’t lived until you’ve watched Gwen put on a 45 minute unscripted puppet show about cats evaluating different brands of cat beds, while a crazed kitten repeatedly tries to tear down the stage.

• Jan 22, 2021, 10:06 PM(15 mentions)

  fuck around and find out

  

• Jan 29, 2021, 10:54 PM(15 mentions)

  Her first!

  

• Jan 29, 2021, 11:35 PM(3 mentions)

  WandaVision made an old comics nerd a little misty-eyed today.

  

• Feb 9, 2021, 10:10 PM(2 mentions)

  hello, items ❤️

  

• Feb 13, 2021, 8:10 PM(4 mentions)

  !important https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/franken-berry-the-beloved-halloween-cereal-was-once-medically-found-to-cause-pink-poop-7114570/

• Feb 19, 2021, 9:32 PM(9 mentions)

  WANDAVISION AHHHHH

• Feb 20, 2021, 10:15 PM(3 mentions)

  Stay vigilant. https://www.q13fox.com/news/alaska-woman-using-outhouse-attacked-by-bear-from-below

• Mar 2, 2021, 11:24 PM(6 mentions)

  Parenting challenge, hard mode: the cat has gotten wise and hidden under the child’s bed so you can’t give her her meds. Extract the cat while not waking up the child.

• Mar 5, 2021, 6:29 PM(31 mentions)

  Gwen: will you play a game with me
  Me: I just stopped working and I’m really tired—
  G: would you like me to make you some cinnamon toast?
  Me: ...YES

  

• Mar 7, 2021, 1:22 PM(1 mention)

  Uplift makes a very nice desk.

• Mar 7, 2021, 4:43 PM(1 mention)

  It’s important to follow up your strength training sessions with a cool down activity, like assembling furniture for two hours while a kitten tries to bite you.

• Mar 10, 2021, 6:26 PM(1 mention)

  Every time I see this photo I think “This asshole is driving way too fast in my old neighborhood.”

  

• Mar 10, 2021, 7:48 PM(7 mentions)

  Review of a $6000 bottle of cognac.

  

• Mar 12, 2021, 8:13 PM(1 mention)

  Amazon should feel profoundly embarrassed about this. https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2021/03/10/amazon-library-ebook-monopoly/

• Mar 14, 2021, 12:49 AM(2 mentions)

  This video game is low key roasting me.

  

• Mar 14, 2021, 3:04 AM(5 mentions)

  It’s the classic story; you try to get them to crack open the Chomsky, but all they want to read is comic books.

  

• Mar 14, 2021, 5:20 PM(38 mentions)

  My kid made this pie!!!

  

• Mar 14, 2021, 10:43 PM(3 mentions)

  Smith Tower, October 2013.

  

• Mar 14, 2021, 11:34 PM(25 mentions)

  I wondered what the last photo I took in Portland was, before the pandemic happened and I quit my Portland job, and it is Appropriate.

  

• Mar 20, 2021, 7:06 PM(11 mentions)

  The shortest Greek tragedy currently known to researchers.

  

• Mar 20, 2021, 8:03 PM(11 mentions)

  “lo-fi beats” are just smooth jazz for people under 55 don’t @ me

• Mar 25, 2021, 6:03 PM(4 mentions)

  I find this hilarious but I lack the words to explain why.

  

• Mar 29, 2021, 7:52 PM(7 mentions)

  Gwen: sometimes I pretend I’m a person who has the code name Midnight Fire
  Elspeth: that’s a really good code name
  G: thanks

• Mar 31, 2021, 7:05 PM(1 mention)

  How is it possible that I just learned that West Seattle has a Yancy Street???

  

• Apr 9, 2021, 10:26 AM(23 mentions)

  In challenging times, rituals can sustain us. I urge you to make the time to celebrate this beloved holiday with the traditional foods, dances, and solemn contemplation.

  

• Apr 11, 2021, 8:54 PM(8 mentions)

  i mean shit, who isn’t

  

• Apr 22, 2021, 9:56 AM(3 mentions)

  I can’t get through this article because I keep thinking “What kind of monster would ever serve a Manhattan on the rocks.” https://blog.twitter.com/engineering/en_us/topics/infrastructure/2021/adopting-rocksdb-within-manhattan.html

• Apr 25, 2021, 2:33 PM(5 mentions)

  Gwen never used to want to play D&D, because she’s very upset by even pretend violence.

  Then she came up with the idea that monsters don’t get killed, they just “go to a different dimension” and now she says things like “I am going to fry that goblin with a Fire Bolt.”

• Apr 26, 2021, 1:43 AM(20 mentions)

  [we are playing D&D for the first time]
  Me: ok this magic item was made by the duergar—
  Gwen: the duergar?! Those are the grey dwarves! They’re terrible, they were slave traders in the Underdark!
  Me:
  G: I read through the Player’s Handbook twice

• Apr 26, 2021, 11:48 AM(10 mentions)

  As you know, here at evanstoner.com the whole team is passionate about the quality of the reading experience for you, our valued customer.

  Starting today, you will no longer see those dangly links in my tweets, and my indieweb crap will just work invisibly.

• Apr 27, 2021, 10:26 PM(18 mentions)

  [kids are with my parents, the conversation turns to racism]

  Gwen (3rd grader): racists are assholes
  Elspeth (8th grader): Gwen! you aren’t allowed to swear until you’re in 8th grade
  G: sorry
  E: you can think swears in your head in 5th grade
  Grandparents: [shaking]

• Apr 27, 2021, 10:30 PM

  She made this mocktail for herself and her sister, and calls it the Aromatic Orgeat.

  

• Apr 28, 2021, 1:43 PM(12 mentions)

  Looking forward to trying out this “walking around outside” thing I’ve been hearing more and more about.

• Apr 30, 2021, 1:42 PM(28 mentions)

  tired: no-meeting wednesdays
  wired: no meetings except for wednesdays

• May 2, 2021, 12:17 AM(9 mentions)

  Gwen: can I make [Evan’s weird inauthentic mi goreng recipe] for lunch for you and me? I memorized it from watching you

  Me: uh that would be amazing

  [later. the mi goreng is delicious]

  G: I should make our lunch every Saturday

  Me:

• May 9, 2021, 6:19 PM(2 mentions)

  https://toilets.fandom.com/wiki/Toilets_and_Urinals_Wiki

• May 11, 2021, 2:53 PM(14 mentions)

  [Gwen is muttering at the table by herself]

  Me: are you making up a story

  G: no, not exactly. I’m pretending these peanut butter crackers are in a game show where the two with the most peanut butter go to the final round. Also I’m making up ads for the commercial breaks

• May 15, 2021, 7:02 PM(13 mentions)

  Gwen [reading aloud]: qwertyuiop

  Me: you know, that keyboard layout is ca—

  Gwen: this keyboard was invented 140 years ago and was designed to reduce typewriter jams. Let me draw for you what a jammed key looks like

  Me:

• May 17, 2021, 10:01 AM

  I’m truly impressed with how hard it is to understand the following headline: “First White Magic Keyboard for iPad Pro Unboxing Surfaces Online.”

  There are six potential nouns in there, and the actual subject is a gerund. Plus it’s all in title case, so capitalization will not help you.

• May 22, 2021, 5:57 PM(9 mentions)

  If I don’t see the green fairy within 48 hours of this Moderna dose I am going to be so disappointed.

• May 25, 2021, 6:44 PM(3 mentions)

  Kansas: 🎶…nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky—🎶
  [record scratch]
  Geologist narrator: well actually,

• Jun 13, 2021, 5:26 PM

  Baby mantis.

  

• Jun 23, 2021, 7:04 PM(10 mentions)

  The best thing about the “Alanis Morissette doesn’t know what ironic means, ha ha” critique:

  It implies that the song would be better if it was called “Various Pains in the Ass” or “Here’s Some Stuff That Sucks.”

• Jun 27, 2021, 11:46 PM(10 mentions)

  It was 110 degrees today. Related: I now understand the Japanese whiskey highball.

• Jun 30, 2021, 12:02 PM(10 mentions)

  I am now receiving emails for Evan Stober, who I imagine is identical to me in every way, except typing competency.

• Jul 8, 2021, 6:25 PM

  fired UP

  

• Sep 7, 2021, 6:32 PM(13 mentions)

  cat lyfe

  

• Sep 14, 2021, 8:14 PM(6 mentions)

  Gwen: have I told you about the Kindness Pearl
  Me: …no
  G: it’s in most of my books
  M:
  G: it lives inside of the Kindness Clam
  M:
  G: and if it’s in good hands that’s great, but bad people try to steal it
  M: so this is the Infinity Stones in the Gwen Cinematic Universe
  G: yep

• Sep 17, 2021, 12:08 AM(2 mentions)

  Ten points to whoever first successfully identifies my favorite element of the Beard episode of Ted Lasso.

• Sep 17, 2021, 12:42 PM(2 mentions)

  Love those classic Seattle lunch spots, like… checks notes

  

• Sep 23, 2021, 11:21 PM

  I have no idea how they pulled off that episode of Ted Lasso. They need to go back and find a way to give Hannah Waddingham a second Emmy.

• Sep 28, 2021, 1:24 AM(7 mentions)

  those are slices of jello shot cake

  that were handed to us by people we didn’t know

  at a longshoreman’s bar

  and I probably should not have eaten them

  but nonetheless here we are

  

• Oct 15, 2021, 8:20 PM(13 mentions)

  Gwen: this is weird but I want you to do something

  Me: what

  Gwen: jump

  Me: [jumps]

  Gwen: I’ve never seen you do that before

  Me: was it basically like you expected

  Gwen: I don’t know what I was expecting

• Oct 16, 2021, 12:05 PM(6 mentions)

  Baby spider, next to a cupcake crumb on our cutting board. Taken with the new iPhone macro lens; the spider’s body is less than 1mm long.

  

• Oct 22, 2021, 8:22 PM(5 mentions)

  tired: atmospheric river
  wired: bomb cyclone
  inspired: yeetnami

• Oct 25, 2021, 12:43 AM(1 mention)

  Dune (1984)

  

• Oct 30, 2021, 5:03 PM(4 mentions)

  TIL that there is no lime emoji. I am vexed.

• Oct 31, 2021, 6:18 PM(19 mentions)

  Catra and Agent Carter.

  

• Oct 31, 2021, 7:47 PM(14 mentions)

  Surveying her hoard.

  

• Oct 31, 2021, 8:04 PM(16 mentions)

  I’m glad to see that, after all these years, there’s still always one single house that gives out Idaho Spuds.

• Nov 5, 2021, 10:56 AM(5 mentions)

  is this…the greatest Genius footnote of all time

  

• Nov 7, 2021, 3:55 PM(46 mentions)

  The moment I started feeling better.

  

• Nov 9, 2021, 3:38 PM(3 mentions)

  Got my whole family moved from AT&T to Verizon, after many many years as a customer. I feel better about where my money is going.

  Also my voicemail works now.

• Nov 11, 2021, 9:00 PM(3 mentions)

  In further evidence of the War on the War on Christmas, the Christmas Ships will not be coming to my neighborhood this year, so you will be spared the traditional invective and harangues with which I welcome the season.

• Nov 12, 2021, 4:09 PM(7 mentions)

  Tired: neti pot
  Wired: sinus irrigation
  Inspired:

  

• Nov 21, 2021, 3:24 PM(8 mentions)

  Never give up on America.

  

• Nov 23, 2021, 11:12 PM(1 mention)

  Wait, is Pizza Dog in Hawkeye????

  

• Dec 9, 2021, 10:20 PM(6 mentions)

  Current Gwen status: sobbing that she has doubts whether Santa Claus is real, and thinks maybe there isn’t magic in the world 💔 💔 💔

• Dec 12, 2021, 1:51 PM(20 mentions)

  Somebody is fully vaxxed today, and is also fully in the holiday spirit.

  

• Dec 15, 2021, 9:47 PM(4 mentions)

  group text with the family gets wild

  

• Dec 15, 2021, 10:48 PM

  Fifteen years ago today:

  1. The power went out for three days
  2. We found out Laurel was pregnant with Elspeth
  3. Ten minutes later we got in a literal car chase where I had to hand Laurel my phone and tell her to call 911
• Dec 16, 2021, 8:10 AM(10 mentions)

  that same energy

  

  

• Dec 17, 2021, 10:10 AM(8 mentions)

  Gwen: I was reading the Players Handbook last night
  Me:
  G: I found out that my halfling can ride on a mastiff
  M:
  G: they only cost 25 gold pieces
  M:
  G: can we leave the dungeon for a minute so we can get more rations
  M: …and a mastiff
  G: yes

• Dec 18, 2021, 2:45 PM(3 mentions)

  lololol https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/the-war-on-christmas-rebranding-even-krampus-stirs-up-leavenworth/

• Dec 29, 2021, 7:38 PM(22 mentions)

  Gwen: in this game I just adopted a dog named Mr. Worldwide but I don’t know what kind it is

  Me: …is it a pitbull

  G: yes, how did you know that

• Jan 1, 2022, 1:52 PM(1 mention)

  I am now willing to recognize one other acceptable Christmas song beside Christmas in Hollis. https://youtu.be/jxtK2757mz4

• Jan 6, 2022, 1:25 AM(3 mentions)

  Wordle 201 3/6

  ⬛⬛⬛⬛🟩
  ⬛⬛🟩🟩🟩
  🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

• Jan 9, 2022, 7:55 PM(35 mentions)

  felt imperial, might delete later

  

• Jan 11, 2022, 12:42 PM(5 mentions)

  This is the first time I’ve seen somebody in person, and then they end up on my money. https://www.usmint.gov/news/press-releases/united-states-mint-begins-shipping-first-american-women-quarters-program-coins

• Jan 12, 2022, 2:37 PM(10 mentions)

  I’m just here for the extremely dry manager lols.

  

• Jan 13, 2022, 9:56 PM(52 mentions)

  

• Jan 15, 2022, 1:30 PM(35 mentions)

  sometimes a new twist on an old classic is true art

  

• Jan 16, 2022, 8:05 PM(5 mentions)

  “Play a song for you? Sure, this one is called ‘What Kind of Dumbass Likes Solo Tambourine Music.’ Asshole”
  —Mr. Tambourine Man, probably

• Jan 17, 2022, 9:31 PM(1 mention)

  The weirdest thing about Mothra vs. Godzilla (1964) is that a character can use a phrase like “the Mothra twins” and that’s not actually specific enough for you to know who they’re talking about.

• Jan 19, 2022, 6:23 PM(13 mentions)

  I never, ever, in my entire life, thought this story would be brought to the screen. Holy shit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpgAhTP6ElA

• Jan 22, 2022, 7:31 PM(1 mention)

  I am apparently now the kind of person who owns two kinds of kümmel at the same time. /cc @abandonedbranch

• Jan 25, 2022, 10:09 AM(19 mentions)

  my favorite thing about the term “raw sewage” is that it implies the existence of “sewage al dente”

• Jan 28, 2022, 6:42 PM(49 mentions)

  Apologies, but I have to do a parent brag: my eldest heir just got 100% on her semester final project on the history of non-binary pronouns

• Feb 6, 2022, 6:38 PM(6 mentions)

  [family birthday dinner, we’ve just finished eating and are about to have dessert]

  Gwen: Grammy can you tell us your scat story

• Feb 9, 2022, 7:42 PM(2 mentions)

  thanks, I hate it

  

• Feb 9, 2022, 8:47 PM(5 mentions)

  But her emails? https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/09/us/politics/national-archives-trump-classified-material.html

• Feb 10, 2022, 1:11 PM(6 mentions)

  “KUOW is bricking car entertainment systems” is a 100% incorrect headline. “Mazda entertainment systems can brick if you listen to the radio” is accurate.

• Feb 18, 2022, 8:53 PM(8 mentions)

  tired: glad I went to college before camera phones

  wired: glad I was a college radio DJ before they had cameras in the booth

  https://thecarletonian.com/2022/02/04/krlx-renovations/

• Mar 1, 2022, 9:57 PM(38 mentions)

  It’s surprisingly difficult to ask a search engine what types of non-bread loaves there are. For example:

  Meat.
  Olive.
  Cheese.

  What loaves am I forgetting?

• Mar 7, 2022, 8:09 PM(3 mentions)

  Ukrainian logistics are really…something else. https://twitter.com/AVindman/status/1500937699737362439

• Mar 16, 2022, 7:41 PM(6 mentions)

  offered without comment

  

• Mar 21, 2022, 10:10 PM(1 mention)

  What the hell? This thing was meant to be 2 B-52’s in a trenchcoat. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conroy_Virtus

• Apr 9, 2022, 9:44 AM(38 mentions)

  I’m sure I don’t need to remind anyone of this, but it’s Evan Stoner Day. Please feel free to mark the occasion with the rituals and customs traditional in your culture.

  

• Apr 15, 2022, 6:52 PM(11 mentions)

  spit-take

  

• Apr 17, 2022, 10:40 AM(6 mentions)

  Probably the most excited member of the household right now:

  

  

• Apr 21, 2022, 9:51 PM(12 mentions)

  Elspeth: Today in world history class my teacher was like “anybody know what Japanese movie Star Wars is based on”

  Me: [waits for it]

  Elspeth: And I was like “HIDDEN FORTRESS”

  Me: [basks in the state of ultimate triumph]

• Apr 25, 2022, 12:33 PM(7 mentions)

  I think Musk’s prime motivation is in taking it private. He’s run afoul of the SEC so many times for saying zany shit while running a public company; this is a lifestyle upgrade for him.

  It’s possible that if he can’t take Tesla private, he steps back from running Tesla.

• Apr 26, 2022, 9:11 PM(1 mention)

  I was today years old when I realized they snuck the original android Human Torch into the first Captain America movie.

  

• Apr 27, 2022, 2:56 PM(4 mentions)

  I just ordered some Dwarvish ortholinear keycaps. Ladies.

• Apr 29, 2022, 8:22 PM(3 mentions)

  [kids are at the piano, each banging out small melodies at the same time]

  elspeth: wait play that again
  gwen: [plays it again]
  e: oh my god are you rick rolling me
  g: yes

• May 12, 2022, 2:59 PM(35 mentions)

  RIP @HoneyHeartness —you were one of the good ones, and gone far too soon. ❤️

• May 24, 2022, 8:25 PM(8 mentions)

  Cats enjoy sitting on rectangles of any scale.

  

• May 27, 2022, 8:09 PM

  That feeling when you get a fourth grader interested in Darude.

• Jun 15, 2022, 4:31 PM(27 mentions)

  People often complain that Slack discussions are hard to follow. I wonder how much of it is due to the fact that we use sloppy English in Slack: sparse capitalization and punctuation, verbal grammar, etc. It’s just physically hard to read.

• Jun 19, 2022, 5:42 PM(15 mentions)

  Round here we are committed to drinking any blue drink we encounter.

  

• Jun 22, 2022, 1:40 PM(1 mention)

  “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

  

• Jun 26, 2022, 3:47 PM(3 mentions)

  I don’t really get why everybody is so excited about NewProfilePic? It seems like another massive private harvest of biometrics for very little returned value.

• Jul 6, 2022, 7:47 PM(13 mentions)

  Parenting pro tip: when you need to tell your 10-year-old that the beloved local punk rock burger joint, where she’s had 95% of her lifetime burgers, is closing down because their landlord is a sack of shit, get a teensy bit drunk first.

• Jul 8, 2022, 8:41 PM(7 mentions)

  Current status: explaining Bon Jovi to my kid

• Jul 9, 2022, 7:16 PM(1 mention)

  The rare crow-bunny conjunction is a favorite with astronomers.

  

• Jul 11, 2022, 10:34 PM(6 mentions)

  4:20:20 blaze em

  

• Aug 8, 2022, 7:52 PM(4 mentions)

  But her emails

• Aug 11, 2022, 8:35 PM(1 mention)

  “Back in 1985, John Norton answered the question that no one had asked.” http://bigchickenhotrods.com/barstool-racers

• Aug 20, 2022, 7:05 PM(5 mentions)

  Gwen [playing Mario Kart and muttering]: I ain’t goin out like that
  Me: …where did you learn that phrase
  G: 🤷‍♀️

• Aug 24, 2022, 7:56 PM(1 mention)

  

• Aug 26, 2022, 7:41 PM(2 mentions)

  On Earth-617, the only difference is that “brunch” is called “brench.”

• Aug 31, 2022, 7:15 PM(31 mentions)

  My kid made this for her own birthday.

  

• Sep 8, 2022, 1:13 AM(1 mention)

  Tiny earthquake just now.

• Sep 8, 2022, 8:24 PM(2 mentions)

  Remember, remember! The 8th of September, when people on Twitter were rude; I know of no reason why the rudeness on Twitter should ever be eschewed.

• Sep 8, 2022, 10:18 PM(2 mentions)

  Madisynn should be an Avenger. I will not be taking questions at this time.

• Sep 11, 2022, 12:47 AM(4 mentions)

  YouTube contains all the distilled wisdom of humanity.

  

• Sep 11, 2022, 7:09 PM(5 mentions)

  The phrase “welfare queen” hits different when you realize that the government doled out £100 million every year to the literal Queen.

• Sep 15, 2022, 9:38 PM(2 mentions)

  brb, updating my LinkedIn to just say “Drip Broker”

• Sep 17, 2022, 6:47 PM(9 mentions)

  My mom: Saw two crows kill a rat the other day.
  Me: did they eat it? Or just kill it?
  Mom: they ate part of it.
  Gwen, cheerfully: Rats are full of nutrients!

• Sep 17, 2022, 11:32 PM(5 mentions)

  People keep complaining about the new iOS battery percentage indicator, but I think it’s nice.

  

• Sep 25, 2022, 12:31 PM(13 mentions)

  Had to take the cat to urgent care, ended up in the strip mall by where I grew up. Currently composing a mournful country song about how the Petco is now a Pet Pros and the Shari’s is now a Wendy’s.

• Sep 27, 2022, 10:59 AM(6 mentions)

  Travel tip: you can learn a lot about a city’s “vibe” by visiting the historic queer neighborhood, of the airport

  

• Oct 2, 2022, 12:00 AM(4 mentions)

  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Fictional_cubes

• Oct 26, 2022, 10:11 PM(3 mentions)

  People on Twitter are currently making Ye/Crocs jokes at a steady rate of 7 per hour. I am monitoring the situation as it develops.

• Nov 5, 2022, 5:02 PM(8 mentions)

  bucolic.jpeg

  

• Nov 6, 2022, 6:51 PM(1 mention)

  Gwen started a video game that asked her to type in a name for her character.

  Fifteen minutes later I realized she picked “Galaxy Everheart.”

• Nov 6, 2022, 7:16 PM(6 mentions)

  The curse of the social media integration engineer is that you can only test in production, so you’ve got to come up with interesting things to say, over and over again, until your code works. And then hope you still have friends

• Nov 6, 2022, 7:29 PM(4 mentions)

  Best part of trick or treating this year was the kids yelling “It’s Subwoolfer!! Awesome!!!” and running up to this house.

  

• Nov 10, 2022, 11:31 PM(36 mentions)

  When I read that the dude wants to turn Twitter into a bank, I discovered that I did not have enough laughter for the comedy at hand. It was like trying to drink the ocean. Like schadenfreude had given way to an out of body experience. Like bad ideas distilled into mescaline.

• Nov 14, 2022, 11:17 AM(11 mentions)

  I was trying to favorite this tweet, and then the joke just wrote itself

  

• Nov 14, 2022, 11:10 PM

  TIL https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First-level_NUTS_of_the_European_Union

• Nov 17, 2022, 1:46 PM(11 mentions)

  The dude apparently wants to compensate exceptional performance with exceptional amounts of stock, but…he just took it private? 🤔🤔🤔🤔

• Nov 17, 2022, 8:35 PM(3 mentions)

  FYI, I’m estoner@mastodon.social for anybody who’s fleeing Twitter.

• Nov 17, 2022, 9:15 PM(4 mentions)

  The family sat down to watch the new Studio Ghibli short. Gwen did a voice search for it.

  

• Nov 17, 2022, 9:48 PM(2 mentions)

  New policy: remote work is for closers only

• Nov 18, 2022, 6:30 PM

  Of course, during these troubled times on the hellsite, my old nemesis sees an opening to strike. https://westseattleblog.com/2022/11/from-the-wsb-holiday-guide-1-week-until-christmas-ship-arrives-in-west-seattle-waters/

• Nov 19, 2022, 2:41 PM

  Marvel Snap has some solid deep cuts.

  

• Nov 20, 2022, 3:21 PM(5 mentions)

  My writing partner has an enviable ability to focus.

  

• Nov 21, 2022, 4:54 PM(2 mentions)

  With every new platform comes special kinds of awkwardness; today on Mastodon a long-dead colleague followed me, because I migrated to a different instance.

• Nov 21, 2022, 8:29 PM(1 mention)

  It’s so awesome you’re here!! Why haven’t you fixed all this shit, Asshole

  

• Nov 27, 2022, 8:05 PM(3 mentions)

  Spirit of the season.

  

• Dec 10, 2022, 12:34 PM(1 mention)

  iCloud Private Relay locations are occasionally hilarious.

  

• Dec 10, 2022, 11:23 PM(7 mentions)

  Offered without comment.

  

• Dec 19, 2022, 3:22 AM(12 mentions)

  this reboot of A Christmas Carol is fucking unhinged

  

• Dec 19, 2022, 3:01 PM(15 mentions)

  It’s a Christmas miracle!

  Wordle 548 1/6

  🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

  WordleBot
  Skill 99/99
  Luck 99/99

• Jan 1, 2023, 3:02 PM(13 mentions)

  Happy New Year!

  

• Jan 1, 2023, 7:34 PM(10 mentions)

  I finally got webmentions for my site working for Mastodon this afternoon.

  (Please read this toot the same way that Crow T. Robot says “Made my own blender mayonnaise last night.”)

• Jan 6, 2023, 11:43 PM(5 mentions)

  This fish. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bony-eared_assfish

• Jan 7, 2023, 2:28 PM(17 mentions)

  The Verge is out here live-blogging a web page error, for all their digital native readers who have never seen such a thing before.

  

• Jan 11, 2023, 9:32 PM(36 mentions)

  The problem with naming your company this, is that when you do a layoff, it sounds like the reporter is doing jokey Shakespeare voice at a really inappropriate time. Forsooth!

  

• Jan 15, 2023, 1:05 AM(2 mentions)

  I had a Fernetarita tonight, and it kind of blew my mind.

• Jan 20, 2023, 7:36 PM(1 mention)

  Tired: Zeit is now Vercel
  Wired: Exterro has acquired Zapproved

• Feb 9, 2023, 9:50 PM(7 mentions)

  I was made aware of this by ‪@andr00@mograph.social‬ , and I cannot stop laughing.

  

• Feb 10, 2023, 7:54 PM(17 mentions)

  increasing_desperation.png

  

• Feb 12, 2023, 1:24 PM(1 mention)

  All objects should be immediately destroyed.

• Feb 12, 2023, 1:26 PM(1 mention)

  What’s the deal with objects??

• Feb 14, 2023, 7:15 PM(2 mentions)

  Achievement unlocked: vote pantsless. 💪🏻

• Feb 16, 2023, 10:34 PM

  I simply don’t understand why Quantumania is getting savaged in the media. I thought it was a fantastic movie.

• Feb 16, 2023, 11:40 PM(2 mentions)

  One of the most underrated elements of MCU movies is the pitch-perfect, organic way they weave music into the films. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0oeY1KMY9U

• Feb 21, 2023, 6:24 PM(1 mention)

  The cool thing about California Adventure is that it’s like Northern California is in Southern California.

  It’s one-stop California.

• Mar 12, 2023, 5:30 PM(1 mention)

  Short Round!!!!!!!!

• Mar 12, 2023, 10:22 PM(90 mentions)

  So Ke Huy Quan, when he’s 12, plays Harrison Ford’s sidekick in Temple of Doom. By the time he’s 21, he gives up on acting because he can’t get cast.

  When he’s fifty-one, he goes up on stage to get the Best Picture Oscar…from Harrison Ford.

  https://youtu.be/0O2B6ywhqQw

• Apr 9, 2023, 10:55 AM(11 mentions)

  I’ve heard it said that today is a holier day than even Christmas, to which I can only say: I am humbled by your appreciation.

  Happy Evan Stoner Day 2023.

  

• Apr 23, 2023, 9:11 PM(5 mentions)

  Gwen has had quite enough of my antics.

  

• Apr 27, 2023, 5:09 PM(6 mentions)

  Seattle Public Libraries are a treasure. https://www.spl.org/programs-and-services/teens/books-unbanned

• May 29, 2023, 11:22 AM(15 mentions)

  We say “yesterday” and “last night,” but “yesternight” and “last day” sound completely wrong. 🤔

• Jun 6, 2023, 10:07 AM

  This is absolutely bonkers. Wow. https://www.washingtonpost.com/science/2023/06/06/drill-earth-mantle-rocks/

• Jun 18, 2023, 12:39 PM

  I might.

  

• Jul 1, 2023, 8:52 PM

  Mistakes were made.

  

• Aug 8, 2023, 8:52 PM

  When I got into cooking, I really wanted to learn the family gumbo recipe, which Grandma served once each summer. She was from Kansas, but her mom had grown up in New Orleans.

  I went over to her house one June afternoon, excited to bond with Grandma and pass down a tradition. She’d bought a pile of shrimp, which I started studiously deveining.

  Then she opened The Joy of Cooking and said “it says to make a roux, but that’s too much work, so I always skip it.”

  https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/secret-family-recipes-copied

• Nov 17, 2023, 3:53 PM(5 mentions)

  I think I might know why Sam Altman got fired.

  

• Nov 19, 2023, 9:04 PM(1 mention)

  In 1969 there were a lot of cool people alive, and Robert Plant was one of the coolest. And he wrote a song about how Gollum stole his girl. I think about this all the time.

• Nov 21, 2023, 8:25 PM

  KOYAANISQATSI

  

• Nov 29, 2023, 12:56 AM(1 mention)

  I watched Pacific Rim with my older daughter tonight, and while the credits were rolling she said “next they should make Pacific Rim 2: Atlantic Boogaloo.”

• Nov 30, 2023, 1:02 PM(1 mention)

  At least Shane MacGowan outlasted Kissinger by a day.

• Dec 15, 2023, 9:50 PM(8 mentions)

  Gwen: Mason at school said the live action Grinch is better than the old animated Grinch and I said he was wrong because the old one is what I love from my childhood
  Me: well different people have different traditions, let’s respect that
  Gwen: and he said I had bad parents for giving me a bad childhood
  Me: you tell Mason your dad is going to beat his ass

• Dec 18, 2023, 6:40 PM(2 mentions)

  Holy shit, it really happened. https://youtu.be/PjbkafIMdl8

• Dec 21, 2023, 11:54 AM(1 mention)

  We had really thick fog yesterday, and my dad brought over his Maximum Dad Flashlight.

  

  

• Jan 1, 2024, 12:05 AM(4 mentions)

  Happy new year, from me and our cat, who is helping us watch fireworks.

  

• Jan 1, 2024, 2:19 AM

  I’m up late working on my edgy reboot of Steamboat Willie, “Chainsaw Willie.” Gotta strike while the iron is hot.

• Jan 18, 2024, 8:28 PM(2 mentions)

  Me, lit

  

• Jan 18, 2024, 11:04 PM(4 mentions)

  Finally, a place where I can be myself

  

• Jan 21, 2024, 11:18 PM(2 mentions)

  People seem to be upset that The Crown didn’t have a bigger ending, so I’m proposing a Zach Snyder-style redo of the final episode, where Elizabeth jumps a burning motorcycle over a squad of corgis and slams straight into Zombie Margaret Thatcher, causing a giant explosion in the electric guitar factory

• Jan 29, 2024, 1:47 PM(2 mentions)

  McTautology.

  

• Feb 11, 2024, 10:31 AM(1 mention)

  H.L. Mencken on American profanity, in 1936: “Our maid-of-all-work in that department [indecency] is son-of-a-bitch, which seems as pale and ineffectual to a Slav or a Latin as fudge does to us. There is simply no lift in it, no shock, no sis-boom-ah. The dumbest policeman in Palermo thinks of a dozen better ones between breakfast and the noon whistle.”

• Feb 11, 2024, 12:14 PM(3 mentions)

  Y’all, I finally did it. I beat Jira

  

• Feb 29, 2024, 10:59 AM(2 mentions)

  The irony of X not caring about deadnaming, while insisting you shouldn’t call it Twitter.

• Mar 28, 2024, 12:31 PM(4 mentions)

  homeys.jpg

  

• Apr 28, 2024, 1:06 AM(3 mentions)

  Flawless, no notes.

  

• Apr 30, 2024, 7:37 PM

  Supplement Facts / S u p p l e m e n t F a c t s

  

• May 3, 2024, 10:09 PM(5 mentions)

  Gwen just turned to me and said “daddy, do you ever just think about…bread?”

• May 11, 2024, 3:08 AM(2 mentions)

  The Phoenix Force has finally come for me.

  

• May 11, 2024, 1:32 PM

  jorts ex machina

• May 25, 2024, 1:29 AM

  Ah yes, the Fairy Toot of Nempnett Thrubwell. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairy_Toot

• Jun 17, 2024, 6:35 PM(1 mention)

  I need to see this movie immediately. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Webmaster_(film)

• Jul 21, 2024, 11:41 AM(6 mentions)

  We live in weird times, my dudes.

• Jul 22, 2024, 8:56 PM(2 mentions)

  Hold up, what if Harris picks as her VP…
  …
  …
  Joe Biden

• Jul 26, 2024, 12:18 PM

  enhance

  

  

• Jul 27, 2024, 12:12 AM(1 mention)

  Gilligan’s Island 2024 reboot: the tour is on a Boeing Starliner.

• Aug 2, 2024, 1:19 PM(3 mentions)

  you, an intellectual: haha is a hot dog a sandwich haha

  Me:

  

• Aug 29, 2024, 9:34 PM(1 mention)

  great moments in wikipedia:

  

• Sep 9, 2024, 3:14 AM(24 mentions)

  Really insightful article about blog monetization. https://modem.io/blog/blog-monetization/

• Sep 9, 2024, 1:56 PM

  Man, I knew we couldn’t have James Earl Jones forever, but I’m still not ok with it.

• Sep 11, 2024, 11:36 PM

  Your move, David Lee Roth. https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cjrder972xgo

• Sep 23, 2024, 12:40 PM

  Paul Francis Webster won three Academy Awards in his lifetime. What we remember him for now are the lyrics:

  “Spider-Man, Spider-Man / Does whatever a spider can / Is he strong? Listen bud / He’s got radioactive blood”

  I think about this all the time.

• Sep 27, 2024, 4:45 PM

  REPORTER: What’s your favorite lunar sample?

  YOU: What kind of question is—

  [evan grabs podium]

  ME: BIG MULEY

  https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Muley

• Oct 2, 2024, 12:04 PM(1 mention)

  Our neighbors hired a mobile dog groomer, and the van is posted up outside our house.

  Every time the air compressor comes on, I picture them pressure-washing a standard poodle.

• Oct 4, 2024, 1:18 AM

  iOS text effects are the greatest gift to low comedy in recent memory.