Recent Tweets

• Oct 4, 2024, 1:18 AM

  iOS text effects are the greatest gift to low comedy in recent memory.

• Oct 2, 2024, 12:04 PM(1 mention)

  Our neighbors hired a mobile dog groomer, and the van is posted up outside our house.

  Every time the air compressor comes on, I picture them pressure-washing a standard poodle.

• Sep 27, 2024, 4:45 PM

  REPORTER: What’s your favorite lunar sample?

  YOU: What kind of question is—

  [evan grabs podium]

  ME: BIG MULEY

  https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Muley

• Sep 23, 2024, 12:40 PM

  Paul Francis Webster won three Academy Awards in his lifetime. What we remember him for now are the lyrics:

  “Spider-Man, Spider-Man / Does whatever a spider can / Is he strong? Listen bud / He’s got radioactive blood”

  I think about this all the time.

• Sep 11, 2024, 11:36 PM

  Your move, David Lee Roth. https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cjrder972xgo

• ...or, browse the full archive of my tweets.